Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week will be ripped directly from the headlines!
The ones on page 2 or 3 of most Californian newspapers.
Meaning: some rabbit that was sick is now better. Possibly your rabbit.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You have probably just seen your favourite uncle in the entire world.
This only applies to Leos under 2'7".
All other Leos should bet on any horse named "Sticky Widget" in any race on Tuesday.
We don't condone really short Leos betting just yet.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Red Sox will, once again, give you hope and joy this week...
Well, you know what comes next, though, don't you?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Sometime in the middle of the week your home will be infested with lots and lots of... guests.
Ha! Had you there, didn't I? And now, since you're relieved that it's not, say, pestilent rats, you'll bake us cookies. Ehm, if we happen to be the infesting creatures.
Bake cookies just in case.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The phrase "bats in the belfry" will have particular resonance with you this week.
So don't bother trying to build your biggest house of cards ever this week, what with all the resonating going on.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are sitting in Ireland. It is sunny.
You are lucky to have gotten a seat, seeing as how the entire population of Cancers have come to Ireland for the week.
You will get compliments on a brown dress.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You can come out of your bunker now, the Polynesians are gone.
Have a barbecue to celebrate.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your week will resemble the nice crusty cheese on a fresh pizza.
Enjoy it while it lasts, because you know what follows nice crusty pizza.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will have a long, heartfelt conversation with someone this week.
Try and offer them advice you might envision giving to a young child one day in the far future.
This could include "Put those damn blocks down, you're going to hurt someone if you keep playing like that."
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Your life is empty. Perhaps you should get a... well, I was going to say horoscope, but let's start small and just get you a goldfish to start off with first.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't stop to smell the roses this week, someone's been spraying fertilizer all over the place and the roses, to be honest, stink this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone will buy a large thing off you this week.
If you have no large things you're going to have a lot of explaining to do when the movers show up at your door, looking for something big to move.
[Horoscopes. Nature, and too much sugar are both number one on mankind's greatest threat list.]
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