Taurus April 20 - May 20
Force a change this week.
Change is good.
Most of the time.
Sometimes it's not.
Like, for instance, the thing you do on Tuesday is going to be bad. Real bad.
But the thing you do on Thursday is going to be very, very good. It might not make up for Tuesday, but it'll help a little.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've got a new pooping machine this week.
This could be considered good by some. Especially if you're the grandfather of the machine.
Or you are the machine and don't have to clean up your own mess.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Try pastels this week.
That's not some sort of fancy pasta or pastry... which, if you're like me, you're always reminded of by the word 'pastel'.
Oh, hell, have a pastry, too, on me.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your resolve will not last out the week.
Be sure to tell your neighbour, so they have a reserve handy for you to borrow.
It's always such a pain to run out of resolve and then head into town for some new stuff. You can never trust the quality of that stuff in town.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You're looking beautiful this week... oh, wait a minute, whoops, I was turned around in my seat... I was looking one too far to the left.
You're, ehm, well, looking all right, I suppose... not as good as Cancerians, you understand, but pretty good, you know.
Have a vanilla shake this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your birthday month has officially come to a close.
Note that we didn't pun and say "Your birthday month has officially come to a clothes," thus leaving you hope that there was, indeed, more shopping in your future...
Damn, which there is.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I prefer chocolate chip cookies, just in case you're baking this week. Say in preparation for September or anything.
You will not be taking the easy way out this week.
Don't panic, though, because you'll have the choice of either taking the mostly easy way out or staying put for the entire week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take the time to yell "Geronimo!" at the top of your lungs this week.
It'll do you a world of good.
Plus you may be spotted by a talent scout.
Admittedly, this isn't likely, but you never know what floats their boat.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Buy yourself a bookshelf this week.
Past that, you're on your own.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You are way on your own.
Because you have no horoscope, you see.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Oh man! Whew, something smells in here... is it your feet?
You might want to do something about that this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be improbably good at golf this weekend. If you play, that is.
Or perhaps even if you don't, depending on your own proficiency with the sport.
Remember to eat your vegetables this week.
[Horoscopes. God. Damn. Terrorists.]
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