Taurus April 20 - May 20
Try the lemon cake. You may have preconceived notions that you won't like it, but, trust me, give it a try this week.
Unless you're horribly allergic to lemons. In which case, don't try it. There's trying something new and then there's the embarrassment of dying from your lemon allergy and having your friends have to fill in forms at the hospital, all the while shaking their head and saying, "I just don't understand why they'd eat lemon cake if they knew they were allergic to lemons..."
Leo July 23 - August 22
All right, you blew it last week, this week you'd better come around or we're not going to bother with yet one more, okay?
Not a good way to start off life on this planet, let me tell you, without a horoscope.
You might as well be a Scorpio if you're gonna do that.
At any rate, this will be a very good week for you as you either become 1) a grandfather, 2) a father, or 3) a son, for the first time.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This is going to be an exciting week.
Especially if you live near Gilroy, CA, which is holding its annual Garlic Festival.
And by exciting we possibly do mean 'stinky'.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You shouldn't take the person who knocks on your door on Wednesday for granted this week.
It's Mr. Opportunity.
And he and his wife have moved in next door, and will want a cup of sugar for some cookies.
He's nice enough, but man! those cookies...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will have the opportunity to drive one of those big trucks that make the "BEEP-BEEP-BEEP" noises when they back up.
Please, try and refrain from making the noise yourself. You know how embarrassing it is for you when you make screeching noises when you're rounding a corner with passengers in the car? Well, this is much, much worse.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So you've got your horoscope all back to your lovely self.
What will you do with it this week?
Take it to the zoo? Give it a bath? Teach it a new language?
The possibilities are endless*!
* (where allowed by law, not valid in Gilroy due to garlic pollution, look both ways when crossing the street, not applicable for people with long hair)
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep some candy for me.
This week you'll find one of those Oompa-Loompah's living in your kitchen cabinets.
It'll scare you enough to make you drop a handful of Nerds(tm) all over the kitchen floor, making it extremely hazardous to navigate.
Aries March 21 - April 19
When people say 'eye candy' they usually aren't referring to the contents of a Pixie Stix(tm) being accidentally discharged into your eye.
However, this is what happens to you when you're walking through your Pisces friend's kitchen and you slip on a stray Nerd(tm) while carrying a Pixie Stix(tm).
Libra September 23 - October 22
Man, all this candy talk is making me crave sugar.
Why, the sugar content of these horoscopes alone almost puts you in a sort of sugar coma-sort of state.
So maybe you can use that excuse around work, if they catch you slacking. Which you will be, it'll just be that sort of week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, goo--- just kidding, duck...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
... duck, duck, goose!
Saturn says you won't catch me this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I'll just hide out in your horoscope for a little bit, so the Sagittarii don't catch me in our little impromptu game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
If you don't say anything we'll give you a good week.
A peep out of you and you're gonna wind up sleeping with the fishes down at Crazy Jim's Pet Shop on 3rd Street.
[Horoscopes. Tessie, you are the only, only, ooo-oo-oo--oooonly!]
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