Taurus April 20 - May 20
Face your fears this week.
They're in the West.
Which is to your right, as you're reading this.
That way, towards the window.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is going to be a good week for you...
Something small but cool will come into your life.
It may just be one of those ice packs where you need to squeeze it to get it to turn cold... or it may be something else named Ryan.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
What would the world be like without methyl bromide?
Well, they're be a lot more weeds and insects, I could tell you.
This is a sort of parable, if you will, for your role in the week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are due a sordid week, if only because you haven't had one for a while.
If you're not up to a sordid week, well, maybe we can put it off until next week... we'll see what we can do.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Learn the words to a popular public domain song this week, show you're willing to learn.
You just don't want to have to pay royalties to Ms. Spears or any of those others...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Happy birthday! It may actually be your first birthday... rather, your zero-th, the actual Birth Day for you this week. Especially if your name is Ryan and you're not, you know, like, late or anything.
If you're not zero, you're going to hit a homerun on Wednesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The ghosts of Christmas Past and Present, having nothing better to do, will stop by this week.
So make sure you have cookies handy.
Oh, and thanks for the directions 'round LA. Have a cookie for yourself, on me.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I don't want to hear any bellyaching about this week's horoscope.
...
But... well, you'll wake up on Tuesday morning to find yourself in a big barrel of green slimy goo.
A little advice on this type of situation: get out as quickly as you can, however, not so quick you spray green goo all over the place... if you keep relatively calm you won't have as much a mess to clean up later.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Keep the little people in mind this week, while you go about your business.
Especially if your business involves stomping around in big, clunky boots.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Like a polar bear in a snowstorm, you have... a hard time seeing your horoscope. Because, ehm, it doesn't exist.
Sorry.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Use a handkerchief.
Make sure, otherwise Thursday's gonna get ugly.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do not drive anywhere too far this week.
You do not want to have to explain how you got repetitive strain injury in your butt because you were sitting down for too long.
[Horoscopes. Candystand's gone all baseball...]
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