Taurus April 20 - May 20
Someone will take the wind out of your sails this week.
So I would stay close to shore, if I were you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week it will all come out in the wash.
So what you do is check your pockets before putting anything in there... especially money.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Beware the dogs days of early summer.
Sometimes those dogs are bigger than the ones in August, and can pull you around if you try walking them.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Get in a bikini this week.
This is your horoscope.
Really.
Actually, they say so, too.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you like cake, have cake.
That's it. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
And get me a piece, too.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are beautiful, babe.
Babe, of course, is the alternate nickname/alias for Cancerians. As you well know.
Bananas are a good fruit for you this week. And blueberries.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Get revenge on someone this week.
If you have no one to get revenge on you may pick up a list of available people at your nearest Sane Magazine office.
Because revenge on people you don't even know is sweeter because it's not likely they'll seek re-revenge.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The 7th is going to be very, very good for you.
So don't oversleep that day.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If you start to feel down around midweek, get some grapes. Whether for stepping in or just plain eating, grapes are an excellent way to pick up your week.
This horoscope funded in part by the Grape Growers Association of Mexico.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
We've just got nuthin' for you, I'm afraid. Nothing to see here, move along.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Man, you are gonna be hit with the biggest attack of paranoia this week.
Sparked in part by those government agents busting through your ceiling.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
So there's going to be this get rich quick scheme... Friday... and I have to warn you... stay away from the dip.
[Horoscopes. Pictures from the great beyond...]
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