Taurus April 20 - May 20
Try lurking on Thursday.
We're just telling you in advance so you can get proper lurking attire.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Next month is a big month for you.
Therefore, if you want to sleep away the entire week, feel free.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your sunny disposition will put the world at your feet this week.
Your construction boots will stomp on the world's fingers, which may result in less than enthusiastic feet-laying-at by the world in future instances of your sunny disposition shining through.
Oh, and, yes, your week will be grammatically awkward.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Like the old song goes, "Bake me a cake as fast as you can!"
You will have a piece (or two) of cake this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not despair.
Even if that bear has run you up the tree, surely it'll get bored and wander away some time.
Sure, this might be metaphorical... or is it?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Kiss the cook this week.
Preferably wait until the cook is done at the stove, and has turned around and put down any sharp implements.
If you are the cook, kiss somewhere nearby, possibly the person for whom you're cooking.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The key to this week is in the hips. And keep your back foot planted. And chin down.
Stiff elbow.
There you go... stand like that, now, for the rest of the week and you've got it down!
Aries March 21 - April 19
The mysterious stranger you meet on Wednesday will have a huge role in your future.
If you happen to be staying at the Best Western in Cleveland, Ohio, a couple thousand miles from home, forget the preceding sentence and just be sure to avail yourself of the breakfasts...
Libra September 23 - October 22
I will have a ham and cheese sandwich on white, toasted, with the cheese lightly melted.
On Tuesday, when I come in the sandwich shop where you work.
Have it ready.
The rest of you, take a dip in a pool to stay cool this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
"Hello!"
"Hello!"
Yeah, you know, you're right, there is a slight echo in here...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your sign is still terminated.
Funny, this was supposed to be a running gag, sign by sign falling until we had the 'killer' but it seems every else has wandered off and forgotten all about it.
Kind of like playing hide-and-go-seek when you're the only one playing, isn't it?
Speaking of...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If I've told you once I've told you a million times, no more butter on your nightly helping of jelly beans!
If this statement doesn't seem to apply to you (say you don't have a nightly helping of jelly beans or are a wombat or something), please disregard.
Your week will bring great joy to someone. Pack your bags for Anaheim.
[Horoscopes. The not so big bang...]
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