Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will lose an important piece of paper this week, sometime around Thursday.
This is why you should take my advice when it comes to important pieces of paper:
Crumple them up, that way they're a lot easier to lose by having them slide down behind the stove or refrigerator.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Watch for number one this week, with a sneaky little number seven becoming annoying towards the end of the week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week is sunshine and roses for you!
I don't know what that means, but I assume it's a good thing. Unless you've got really fair skin and burn easily, in which case it could be a bad thing.
Wear sunscreen, at any rate.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Scotch tape will fascinate you this week.
It's like the magic glue of the natural world, isn't it?
And, luckily, scotch tape is almost completely transparent, so you can carry loads of it around and ponder it all day!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Live life to the fullest this week. Just make sure you've measured properly, otherwise you don't want life just spilling all over everywhere because then who's going to clean it up?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are someone's favourite. Not just this week, but for all time.
It's kind of like a secret admirer, via the horoscopes.
And this isn't because you did all the laundry on Monday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
As the newspaper article says, it's probably your older brother who is your inspiration for everything you do.
Go get me a cookie, then.
[If you have no older brother you probably have some sort of equivalent in your life, just search.]
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your ears will fall clean off on Tuesday.
I don't know the cause, and no, no amount of scotch tape will keep them from falling off.
Earless wonder might not be a terrible nickname, you know...
Libra September 23 - October 22
The UPS delivery guy has started ringing twice this week, as well, causing no end of confusion.
Take the red pill on Friday.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope and you're the prime suspect in last week's sign killing.
Life is sometimes just not fair.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your sign has been terminated.
Last week's horoscope murder happened on your watch, I'm afraid, and it's left for you to say your last goodbyes to the stars... you now have no horoscope.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All right! Murder mystery! And astrology!
We've combined two of your favourite things in the world!
This week you spend an inordinate amount of time outside, scrounging around in the bushes outside your house looking for clues with a magnifying glass.
[Horoscopes. What the hell is the point of this?]
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