Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will receive odd tidings from the land of a thousand lakes.
They talk funny, there, I suppose.
Send them back some jam from a local fruit from where you are. It's only polite.
If you live in New York City... I suppose your jam will be... I don't know, sushi jam or something.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will make a change this week.
A big change. Life-altering.
Or perhaps you'll just need to do lots of laundry and will need to get a lot of change. Either/or.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Ferret of Intestinal Fortitude is in your favour this week, so if you've never tried Mexican food, or perhaps wasn't able to enjoy it, you may want to try again. For this week, and this week only.
And don't mess around with any close to the end of the week Mexican meals... a little bit of caution is worthwhile in cases like this.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Do the shake, do the shimmy shimmy shake this week.
You'll feel better, trust me.
You'll feel worse if you shimmy too hard. You must know your own limitations when shimmying.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you're the sharp kind of person, and we think that you are, knowing you as we do, offer your services to people unsure of how much is too much shimmying.
Maybe open up one of those booths you used to use for lemonade stands as a kid.
You may consider raising the price, though.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are not yet a bead master, grasshopper.
This week is not the week to become a bead master for you, but soon, the day will come.
Other days will come, soon, as well, but those are as yet to be scheduled. Expect one along tomorrow, though, that much we know for sure.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do not pass go, but try and collect $200 anyway.
Go on, they're not looking, you can just dip your hand in and snag two of those $100 bills...
Aries March 21 - April 19
Do not piss around with small things this week.
We don't know why we used such strong language. We could have just as easily said "Don't bother with small things..."
Go figure. That is your assignment for the week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Wait a sec... what was that noise?
Why have the lights gone out?
You're not going to be able to get any reading done with the lights off...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
A shot rang out.
Two signs down.
Who was the culprit?
Was it the butler? You don't know, you have to go into hiding. Now.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't stop thinking about tomorrow.
Sure, we gave someone this advice a few weeks ago, but it's good stuff. And it gets stuck in your head, I tell you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You notice something odd about the horoscopes this week.
They're perhaps listing to the right a little bit. They don't smell of alcohol, so that's not it... what could it be?
Keep a stiff upper lip and a watchful eye. Preferably in a jar, two separate jars.
[Horoscopes. Bring on the WiffleBall (tm)!]
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