Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is what I like to call a wiggle week.
Your normally strict morals will have what we like to call a little bit of "wiggle" this week (hence what we like to call the week). What the hell that actually means I'm not sure.
But it'll get you far this week, trust me.
Leo July 23 - August 22
On Friday you will be offered a satchel of money by a stranger on the street.
The downside is it's a bunch of Irish pounds, which should have all been redeemed for Euro ages ago.
Oh well. There goes your career plan to hang around the streets waiting for strangers to give you satchels of money.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will have visions of yourself in a piña colada hat later this week.
What I want to know is, how you you keep it on without spilling the drink all over?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a week of stupid games.
Try and pick something you enjoy, like poker, or bridge, otherwise you're going to have to play Candyland (tm) again with a load of little kids with sticky fingers.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If life is slightly too demanding this week, take a break.
Go on. Juuust a little break.
Oh hey, and if you're passing the bar could you get me a drink, too?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are an angel.
As it says in the Book: Blessed are those who take care of those who've had their wisdom teeth removed, because they shall have to do a lot of stuff.
You will have a surprise waiting for you Monday evening.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Lentils are the key to your happiness this week.
Meditate on that one for a while.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This is not your week, but don't bother returning it to anyone... it's sort of an unclaimed week, as it were.
So I suppose it's finders keepers...
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hopefully your fascination with sea monkeys is over... otherwise you're in for a rude shock this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You've got nothin' this week, and I've got nothin' to give, which, for a change, works out well.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The death of modernism hits you hard this week, real hard.
Like, you hardly knew it, yet there you are, saddened by its departure. Go figure.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Oh man! You woke up this week and you're missing your wisdom teeth!
That's the last time you wander into a dentist's office early one Friday morning. Or it should be, if you had any sense.
[Horoscopes. Atlanteans enjoyed summering in Spain, as well, it seems.]
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