Taurus April 20 - May 20
Be as gentle as a lamb, tricky as one of those assemble-it-yourself pieces of furniture.
This will ensure the proper balance in your week. If not the chair you've just purchased that you find you are having trouble assembling.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will have an extra cookie on Tuesday. You know we don't let you do this often, so enjoy it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If you made a time machine from household parts, as was suggested last week, welcome.
Also, did you notice your left ear and a good chunk of your legs is missing?
If you came by conventional methods, welcome. And aren't you glad you're a lot more complete than your would-be time-traveling self?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
No man is an island. However, some women could be considered an island, under strict new non-anti-women regulations and changes in languages to give them the opportunity to be islands that has been denied to them for so long.
Keep this in mind when someone approaches you this week, offering real estate on island locations.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Coming in to the office, on the windowsill on the walk in, there will be a bag of peanuts, unopened.
Do not, I repeat, do not open them. They are mine, I dropped them out of the window while re-adjusting my feet on the windowsill on my own floor, and they fell out.
If you would like to return them you may receive a reward. Then again, you may not. It depends how many of the peanuts were broken in the fall.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Your first discovery of silver, in leaf-like form, somewhere in the foothills of California, will spurn a new gold...errr, silver rush to California!
You might want to step aside and see the first few silver rushers go flying into the Pacific, cartoon-like, as they rush just a little too fast to California.
Alas, the great Earthquake, bringing the whole thing into the ocean, does not happen, again, this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Orange is a colour that suits you this week.
Aquamarine is not.
I don't know how the stars do it, they just do. Maybe they have a direct line in to Joan Rivers or something.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Don't let on that you know as much as you do about late 70s television.
It'll save your butt, employment-wise, when it turns out someone at the office, someone high up really, really hated Fantasy Island.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Don't fear the reaper.
Fear that little rat bastard he sends first, the guy who collects the money, claiming to be someone from the IRS.
He's a mean old guy and he'll latch his teeth into your arm until you pay him, trust me on this one.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Just a big fat nothing. Nothing divided by nothing.
Zilcho.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You cannot afford a horoscope this week.
Such is the life of a poor student.
Eh, what's that? Not a student?
Such is the life of someone living when we hike our horoscope rate to $7billion/horoscope.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Will you pick that up off the floor? Jeez. Do you suppose you can live like an animal! A dirty animal who chucks left over pizza wrappings on the floor!
Otherwise, by Thursday you'll have had a serious accident, tripping on a leftover piece of plastic wrapping from a pizza, and we'll only be here to say "We told you so."
[Horoscopes. Follow the bouncing ball.]
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