Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't eat the flowers.
They're for sniffing, not eating.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't get dizzy this week.
This probably refers to the cape I can see you wearing on Friday.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There is no reason on Earth why you shouldn't be able to make a time travel machine with household kitchen parts...
Well, there may be a couple. But you won't let that stop you from trying this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
"Potatoes! My kingdom for a potato!"
These would have been your final words, should the incident on Wednesday get out of hand. However, it doesn't, and you just end up looking silly.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
That bump you receive on your head on Friday is going to leave a real mark.
Might want to get that seen to. Ehm, by a doctor. Not just by anyone passing by.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will strike it rich... the motherlode, as they say in the silver jewelry industry.
And they know what they're talking about.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you had followed last week's advice you would have driven to the person who was harassing you and smacked her.
Why don't you ever listen to us, eh?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Take care of any unsightly stains around your living place this week. Preferably early on.
Libra September 23 - October 22
If life gives you lemons now you have an excuse to wear that yellow dress you picked up in the sales... it goes well with lemons. As does fish. And lemonade.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You so don't have a horoscope. Dude.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If everyone in the world were to jump off a bridge, would you?
Think about this one carefully... I mean, the rivers will probably all be full up after all those people diving in, it'll just be like walking out and around the place if they're piled really high...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do not, under any circumstances, shoot the messenger this week.
You got told off for that last week, and this time they may have armed the messenger.
[Horoscopes. Oh go on, you know you want to... go send an iCard...]
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