Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take it slow this week.
Very slow. Of course, if you take it slow most weeks, this won't be a huge change for you. In this case, try maybe wearing a different shirt, just so you do have something different in your week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You, on the other hand, should take it fast this week.
Unless you work at McDonald's or anywhere else you have a lot of shredded cheese and lettuce hanging around. That would be what the Horoscopal Board of Integrity would call "Reckless Behaviour."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The big, overwhelming advice I'm going to give you this week, with the stars being the way they are is this: Don't Panic.
Past that, you will have a margarita on Friday. Probably frozen, more likely than not strawberry.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
I sense adventure in your week.
Make sure your inflatable raft works, and, if you test it by pulling the cord to inflate it and you can't get it all back in the bag, well, you might as well leave it out and hope no company comes round, asking for an explanation for the inflatable raft in your living room.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your diet should consist of a lot of asparagus this week.
This horoscope sponsored by the Asparagus Growers of the World Association.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Here's the deal, you're lookin' cute today. And this whole week.
Wanna go out with a horoscope writer (Horoscopal Board of Integrity Certified... remember, it's horoscope, not boroscope!)?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone is going to try and intimidate you.
No, no, listen, don't be afraid. Here's what I want you to do... haul off and smack her.
It'll make you feel better, it'll make her, ultimately, feel better, and everyone's happy. Plus you get to get your aggressive side aired out a little.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Read a lot this week. Sane Magazine is a good place to start.
Also, do not use the phrase "Someone's in tha house!" at all this week. You wore that out last week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Have you been working out?
Well, keep going, Skippy.
Not too much, though, we don't want you looking like one of those fleshy zombies from the horror movies.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Well, you, you I have nothing to say. To. I didn't want to end that sentence with a participle, but there you have it. Ended, sort of. Of a sort, rather. Damn, that's two.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do you like parties?
Good. Have a party this week.
That's regardless of how you answered the question.
Suck it up, if you answered in the negative, it could have been worse. We could have asked if you like eating bugs or something...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be very jumpy this week.
It could have something to do with the bucketful of spiders someone left in your gym bag.
Nostalgia will kick you in the gut on Thursday. Kick back.
[Horoscopes. Monkey Baseball!]
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