Taurus April 20 - May 20
Okay, I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what's going to happen to you this week.
It's been this way for a couple of weeks. I think I've lost my gift.
I'm just... it's like, there's this haze, you know?
I see something tall, dark, and fuzzy, but, like is it that you're about to be attacked by Chewbacca or is this something else?
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you see a Taurus getting attacked by anything with fur, please let us know.
We see big blobs in your week, but is this some sort of exploding bean bag accident or is it our diminished horoscope-telling ability?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Wait! I think it's back! We see a pizza delivery in your future!
Oh, wait, no, that guy was just heading down the hall for a neighbour.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Look, this is how bad it is: we've got this crystal ball on the table in the lobby of the office, and normally we all walk past it and sort of chuckle.
Occasionally Jim will try and bowl it down the lobby into the elevator and time it to get it in the elevator as someone else is stepping out.... yeah, it's childish, and possibly dangerous, but that's the sort of thing we do. So I've just been out to the lobby to consult the stupid crystal ball, that's how desperate I'm getting.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Okay, and there I am, sitting on the leather (it might be Pleather (tm), but don't quote me on that, I'm a horoscope writer, not a furniture connoisseur, I tell you) couch in the lobby, fondling the crystal ball, trying to get something out of it, and all of a sudden I hear someone screaming my name. It scares the hell out of me, to be honest, because it's a "you're late on your deadline" kind of scream.
Well, I can't be seen fondling a crystal ball, can I?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So I chuck it, down the hall it goes, like I'd been meaning to bowl it down the hall the whole time, anyway.
And there it goes, rolling and rolling...
Until, Waa-BAM!
Takes out an intern. Like right out.
His legs fly out from underneath himself, papers formerly in his arms fluttering around in the air, momentarily and then they come to rest down around the kid, neatly covering him up almost completely. The sheer weight of them sort of muffle his moans, as well.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
And still the ball keeps rolling. When someone around your office or home says to you "let's get the ball rolling," it is no small thing, let me tell you. Because those things roll when you get them goin'.
Down the hall, nudges off a water cooler in our lobby, and, just when I think it's going to hit the elevator doors with the most almighty thud the tell-tale *ting* goes off, and the doors start opening.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This unholy crystal ball keeps rolling, filliping over the seam between the elevator and our floor, and into the elevator, where it does hit with a godawful thud. Accompanied by an inhuman shriek. The shriek may have preceded the thud by a few milliseconds, but, again, I'm a horoscope writer, not a sound physicist.
Libra September 23 - October 22
And it turns out it is inhuman, really, because the ball had hit this really small and really annoying dog that had been tied to a leash to its owner. The leash and owner had been separated when the ball rolled over, and away with, the ugly little dog (possibly a Pekinese, but I'm a horoscope writer, not a dog specialist). Until it smacked into the back of the elevator. Which wasn't far, and you might be thinking, "What the hell was up with the owner of the dog? I would have held on to the leash for the extra foot or so the dog traveled when the ball hit it."
Well, possibly, but you have to consider that the owner probably didn't expect someone to be playing crystal bowling ball as the door of the elevator opened up. The element of surprise may have come into play along the line.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So there's a semi-squished possible Pekinese in the lift, so I get the idea to head back to my desk and meditate upon the stars by looking out my special Zodiac Observation skylight they'd installed for me a couple months ago, feet up on my desk, hands behind my head, just staring up, and, do you know what? I'm still not getting anything.
I mean, granted, you're a Scorpio, I never get anything for you, that's cool, your sign has been cancelled. Last I heard it was budgetary issues. But usually, well, before I started going blank, I get something. But now, nothing. Nothing at all. This is with the frozen margaritas on my desk.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I mean, I'd try tarot cards or something, but I'm a bit worried, especially after the dog incident.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
So instead it's just going to be a quiet sort of horoscope thing.
Maybe I need to take one of those spa holidays for horoscope writers. They dip you in mud and smack you with big Swedish people dressed like nurses.
Something, anyway. This zodiac block is killing me.
[Horoscopes. Cartoooooon violence in a foreign language... cooool.]
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