Taurus April 20 - May 20
Stick your pinky finger out when you drink your tea this week, just to see how the other half lives.
There, that was nice, now, wasn't it?
Leo July 23 - August 22
No two snowflakes are alike.
Neither are two people. Flakes or otherwise.
But snowflakes respond better when you try and catch them on your tongue.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your week is like something out of a technothriller!
This will bode for an exciting time, however, you may notice your grammar and dialogue will be stilted and awkward. Expect a beautiful mathematician to be the chief culprit.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will hit your stride sometime around Wednesday this week.
Your stride will be thrown off, however, when you realise you left your keys back on the kitchen counter, and have to start striding in the opposite direction to where you were striding off in.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While no one likes a tattletale, no one likes a... no, that's it, really. No one likes a tattletale. So stay off the tattling, and you should be all set.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will push the boundaries of beauty this week... causing people to exclaim and wonder... is there such a thing as too beautiful?
If there's such a thing as too much chocolate, you can tell them, then smile knowingly and walk away. It'll leave 'em guessing. And wanting chocolate.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, so you may not have received a phone call last week.
This is not the fault of the stars if certain people cannot be relied upon to as simple an act as that of picking up the phone.
Or an email. Actually, I believe it was an email that was called for last week.
At any rate, not the fault of the stars if someone can't manage to type.
You, however, can take pride that you can type this week.
Go on, show off a little.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Place your horoscope in the little trinket box you'd picked up at a street market somewhere and never thought you'd have a use for it once you'd gotten it home.
And then, if you haven't a pet or anything that would be a suitable guard for it, guard it yourself.
Yes, a little like Horton the elephant.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You'll have an enjoyable week.
If you live near drop-bear habitat it will be slightly less enjoyable, unless you're wearing your special drop-bear protecting headgear (it protects you from drop-bears, it doesn't protect them), which you should be, living in that sort of area.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Dude, where's my horoscope!
More importantly, where's yours!
Oh yeah, you don't have one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
I know, we've used that trick before.
But this time, really. Siamese Vampire Bats from Guatemala have invaded your apartment!
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You know how you were once told you could never have cookies after 4pm and before dinner?
Try sneaking a few this week.
Oh, sure, you'll not want to eat dinner, but at least you'll be able to say you've lived.
[Horoscopes. How to become a writer... if you're into that sort of thing.]
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