Taurus April 20 - May 20
Take a no nonsense approach to the week.
If someone tries givin' you any nonsense just smack 'em.
Because no nonsense almost never means no violence.
And this way, after the first few smacks you'll have a pretty quiet week to yourself.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You should take a more direct approach to the week than you normally do -- I'm sick of you lazing around in your easy chair, just waiting for the week to pass on by.
Now, if you turn the easy chair towards the doorway, though, the week will come in direct at you, therefore saving you the trouble of getting up.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You should take an oblique approach to the week.
What I would do, and note that this isn't necessarily a hard and fast recommendation, perse, but I would build some kind of really slippery ramp kind of thing, maybe coat it with Teflon (tm) or something, and just slip and slide right around into the week. It would never expect it!
And there would be a minimum of effort on your part, one little expenditure of energy to build the thing (or even better, just find one!) and you're in.
Plus, this way, if you don't like what the week has to offer, you can always sneak out again. Unless you greased down your ramp a little too much and slid all haphazard-like into the week, making a big ruckus.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Come into the week stealthily.
Watch out for any Virgos you might run into out there on your stealthy approach, they'll be busy building a ramp, and it's your responsibility as a stealthy pedestrian to avoid people like that.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Dive right into the week, feet first, because if you hit something unpleasant it's much better to have your feet hit it than your head.
That rule applies almost 100% of the time, small exceptions being made for helmet-shaped obstacles you might be jumping into.
This week won't have any of those, so dive right in, feet-first. Just make sure you've waited a half an hour after eating.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be schkaytin' around this weekend.
Or, as some people call it, skiing.
Oh, and though you might think it, your fingernail won't be falling off.
And one more: blue tshirts and sort of tan-sort of brown trousers do go together, I swear! And if they don't, shouldn't you be more on the ball? Yes, you should. It's your job to catch that sort of thing.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Be careful with matches this week.
Scientists believe a not-wholly violent strain of AI has gotten into certain boxes of matches, which may make it dangerous around the barbecue pit, candles, and boiler this week.
If you have one of those disposable lighters you might use that, despite the lack of pleasant whiff of phosphorus and whatever else is in match tips. Suck it up, otherwise you may find yourself slave to a somewhat sentient matchstick by the end of the week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will get a brief preview of Hell (this doesn't mean you're going there, it just means you're getting a preview -- like you might not go see Dawn of the Dead, but there they are, every three minutes, previews for it) this week.
For some reason you think pushing a bagel up a hill is a good idea, and you spend/waste most of Wednesday doing it, only to have the damn bagel roll back down every time you get it to the top. Not the most thrilling trailer, you have to admit.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Have a cookie, maybe two, this week.
They're good, aren't they? I like cookies, too.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You may or may not like cookies. Since you don't have a horoscope you're not getting one, anyway, so it's no use telling us if you do or not.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do not underestimate the little short guy that comes to your door towards the middle of the week.
He may seem nice, but if he sits down on your couch you're going to notice his peculiar body odour will stick for the next few weeks. And guess what we'll be writing about in your horoscope until it's gone?
That's right, good guess, even though we meant that as a rhetorical question: We will be writing about Liberace, and nothing but, until it's gone.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
No more burritos for you!
You will be able to pull rabbits out of hats this week!
Well, if they've crawled in there.
I mean, you won't be able to make them appear out of nowhere or anything, you know.
[Horoscopes. You can never get enough of Pong.]
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