Taurus April 20 - May 20
'Captain Jiggy Pants!'
Like the ring of that?
Well, I hope you do, because you're stuck with it, for the week, following Tuesday's incident.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Okay, okay, a nickname... if Tauri are going to get a nickname you want one, too.
Fine.
How about... "Leapin' Leo"?
No? Okay. Fine.
Just don't walk by any astrologers' offices this week without being very very aware of where you are walking.
"Falling potted plants" is all I'll say.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You would have accepted "Leapin' Leo" as your nickname for the week, but, because of the Leos' obstinance there will be no more nicknames this week.
Donate any possible nicknames you might have liked to charity this week.
And don't, whatever you do, touch the red button!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
So... how're you doing? Well, I hope. Well, I know you're doing well, because Saturn says you are, and you were never one to make a liar out of Saturn.
I was just making polite conversation, you see?
You will avoid talking to other astrologists during the week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
What effect does this new planet they've discovered have on you, you might be asking?
Well, forgetting, for one second, that it was discovered by Californians, and I've always held by that old saying, 'Never trust a Californian', it means something very exciting is going to be found, by you, under a tree this week!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be walking on a beach this week, looking down at the rocks, then looking down at the water, then looking down at the rocks again. Pretty rocks.
Umm, you might want to look up, though, because if you keep walking around with your head down you're going to bump into someone or thing sometime soon.
Then again, maybe you won't see the little piece of tinfoil in and amongst the rocks.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The person who sneaks up and claims to have "Got yer nose!" on Thursday you'll initially dismiss as a crackpot who probably never grew up.
When you get around to looking in the mirror on Friday morning, however, you'll note the distinct lack of nasal features on your face, or anywhere about your person, as a matter of fact.
This will explain why you can't say your 'N' or 'M's too well.
Aries March 21 - April 19
As you embark on your epic journey to the Amazonian rain forest you wonder why it is you always get stuck doing the traveling, of all the signs.
Well that's a little known trait of your sign.
Both the wondering and the traveling. So you should feel like you've had a good, solid outing, as far as fulfilling your Zodiac types traits goes this week. Nice work.
Halfway there you realise you've forgotten bug spray.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Gaaaah! Run for the hills!
Okay, okay, now run for the valleys! Run!
Okay, now run for the hills again!
(And yes, if you haven't guessed, this is just the stars' way of getting you to do a little exercise... we don't want you to die of a heart attack... but if we actually went out and asked you to run a little more you'd think we were calling you fat. Which we aren't.)
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I'm not going to offer you any advice or anything, because you never take it.
Possibly because your Zodiac sign has been discontinued.
Which is a good enough reason.
Perhaps looking over all back issues of Cosmopolitan magazine or something will be a nice trip down memory lane for you... back when you still had a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't think of it as losing money, but as... well, temporarily having money displaced from your wallet.
You never knew Jehovah's Witnesses (3rd Division, Armoured New Jerseians) could be so persuasive. Letting that little bugger god of theirs into your heart obviously left a big hole for money to slip out.
It could have been worse, it looked like the kid in the tank's first day on the job.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you go digging through your pockets this week and find you've dropped a piece of tinfoil somewhere, it may not have been a pure coincidence. It may have been, subconsciously or otherwise, intentional.
This is a good week for you.
[Horoscopes. A nice tribute to one of the best baseball players...]
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