Taurus April 20 - May 20
I don't want to hear any whining about not being able to tie your own shoes this week, as this happens to be possibly the best week ever for your shoe-tying abilities.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Does the Moon seem closer to you this week?
It does to me.
I would wear a crash helmet this week if I were you.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Okay, so you probably know a few Leos, right?
Well, it's like this: They're going to be wearing crash helmets this week.
So if I were you (and not a Leo, which was the supposition from the previous horoscope, which you should not read, because you shouldn't read horoscopes other than your own), I would maybe wear a foam-padded suit. Because when all those Leos put on their helmets they're going to be a lot less careful about whom they bash into.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Do you know any Leos or Virgos?
There's going to be a lot of bumping and hitting going on in their general area, you might want to steer clear, and frequent your local park or something.
Maybe swing by any good friends you might have who are Capricorns.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There will be a knock at your door on Tuesday.
"Why the hell didn't they use the doorbell," you'll think to yourself.
It's the Gemini from next door, wanting to know if you can come out and play.
If you're consulting the horoscope, looking for the answer, the answer is "Yes, if you've finished all your vegetables."
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Okay, I hate to break it to you, but you're probably not going to go skiing this weekend.
I'm sorry, I really am. It's Jupiter, you see. It's jealous with all the skiing you've been doing.
And it doesn't want you getting too good. Which you sort of are, you know.
So this week you will just have to use 'idyll' in a sentence. Every sentence you speak this week, if you're really bored and of a creative bent.
Especially this weekend. When something nice happens.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Guard against false friends this week.
A good defence, you may have heard, is a good offence.
Another good defence is one of those ditches dug around your house with big wooden spikes driven into one side.
Ditching-digging can be fun, and is most definitely a good cardio-vascular workout.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You let your eyes wander to Gemini's horoscope and exactly the sort of thing I figured would happen happens to you.
You try going next door to find your local Pisces to hang out with and wind up getting almost skewered by the giant stakes they've set up, sticking out of the ground around their house.
Libra September 23 - October 22
While out for your weekly walk you see an Aries impaled on your next door neighbour's newly dug spear-moat.
You figure this is some sort of warning, and so you stay well away from that side of the street on your walk this week, even though it means walking past the house with that really mean dog that never quite seems tied up properly.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope, and for this you're grateful.
However, if I find you've been peeking at other people's horoscope there's going to be hell to pay...
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You have an irresistible urge to visit a good friend of yours who happens to be a Scorpio (heaven forbid!).
But resist that urge, I tell you. For no good can come of it. You'll just be encouraging them to keep checking the horoscopes, thinking they can read other people's horoscopes and get some idea how their week is going to turn out.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This could be a big week for you.
With 45% more days.
It's like you got your week at Costco or something...
[Horoscopes. Everybody loves bubblewrap!]
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