Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week we're offering a two-for-one special for you and... Libras everywhere*!
You guys will have some special bond this week.
And you will find, almost surprisingly, that you both wear the same size jeans. Go, live, be free. Share.
* [Void in Ohio]
Leo July 23 - August 22
Woohoo! It's a boy. Or it will be a boy.
And we still possibly be referring to the fungus in your bathroom. Try using bleach on it. If it isn't a fungus... well, stop.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Life is a lot like a bowl of peas in a pod.
The same, in a bowl.
Contemplate that this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Two friends you know will have a vicious argument this week.
And you will have to take sides.
If anyone offers you money, take that side. But be flexible, because the other side may be waiting to give you the money after they win the argument.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Two of your friends will be quite content with life and all that sort of stuff this week.
Until you start messing around. After which it'll all go to hell in a handbasket and they won't ever speak to one another again.
It may be that banana nut bread you're thinking about making.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look absolutely beautiful this week.
Like absolute zero, that's -273° on the Beauty scale. Which is damn cool. (Cool being the good side of the scale.)
You will have a Twix bar on Wednesday.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Look, what have I told you about all this running?
Mercury stops all forward motion this week, just to show you that you, too, can do it.
This almost causes a three planet pile-up with Mars, Venus, and Saturn.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Man, you're going to be raffish this week.
Maybe you can get some powder for that.
Libra September 23 - October 22
A squadron of Tauri raid your closet, stealing most of your jeans this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, sorry, not you, the one behind you, the one with a horoscope... yes, if you could get their attention I'd appreciate it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone is going to give you a hard time this week.
You should respond with a little raspberry, a proven defence against most forms of hard times.
When they start putting up a barbed wire fence around your apartment, don't blame us. When I say that, I actually mean that the previous sentence absolves us of all responsibility should anything like that happen.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Sometimes you may have felt like you've made a mistake, somewhere along the line. Not often, I know, but there you have it.
I can tell you, via Jupiter, that you have made no mistakes whatsoever recently.
[Horoscopes. This is an amazing film (pt 1, pt 2, pt3).]
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