Taurus April 20 - May 20
Don't stop, thinkin' about tomorrow.
If you're one of those people that can only think about one thing at a time, you might want to occasionally think about today, though, and let tomorrow slip, if anything's going to.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It'll be a boy.
With Saturn in retrograde, something in your life will have a definite male flavour.
This may simply be a stubborn fungus in your bathroom, but it'll vary from Leo to Leo.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
If life seems almost impossible, remember this, from the stars: pudding.
There is pudding, therefore life can't possibly be impossible. Just pudding good.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
All of life's mysteries will be revealed to you this week.
You'll enjoy trying to solve them, until you get the solutions, and it turns out there's some really dodgy Agatha Christie-style "Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you about the knife in the butler's pocket" twists at the very end.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The stars will be aligned against you in some sort of cosmic Maginot Line.
You might want to sleep in this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Pamper yourself this week.
Or have someone else do it.
Because you have the sneaking suspicion that the horoscope writer may suddenly turn on you and make you pamper someone else.
Not likely, but that possibility looms out there... by the way, you'll look eerily beautiful this week. So you may not even have to try and pamper yourself – it may just happen to you...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're going to talk a lot this week.
And we mean a lot.
So maybe take it easy on the old larynx early in the week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week you will meet someone.
If you want, and you're this type of person, you can test us on this one: lock yourself in your room for the entire week.
You'll still meet someone.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This is what we'll call your 'witty' week.
Take advantage of it, because next week you're back to dull old you again.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You think you'd given up by now, wouldn't you?
Well, you haven't, because you're no quitter.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will embark upon one of the greatest journeys of your life this week.
You will be tasked with knitting a scarf to cover up New Jersey.
I'd get started if I were you, that's a hell of a lot of knitting.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Look before you leap this week, because you will spend it on a tightrope.
Maybe if you hop in place or something it'll save you a lot of trouble (and potential pain).
[Horoscopes. What a perfect, perfect, perfect idea for the web (Requires Flash).]
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