Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you're sitting around waiting for Smell-O-Vision to be invented, listen, why don't you go create it yourself?
It'll give you something to do in a bit of down week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is a bye-week. Seeing as how most major sports have bye-weeks, this week, too, is a bye-week.
So do what professional athletes do when they've got a week off.
The legal stuff they do, that is. Like sit around in comfortable chairs.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Look, don't be contrarian. This week, you're going to like Fluff and Peanut Butter sandwiches. You might not know it, but you will. Perhaps subconsciously.
Besides that, it will be a quiet week. With almost no frog-related casualties.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Dismiss the help early this week.
Otherwise they might burn out. Or rebel.
Something untoward will happen if you overwork your staff this week. If you have no staff, your children, then.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Pick the blue bottle.
Not the fly, the blue bottle.
On Wednesday, there will be a table. And there will be lots of bottles on it.
And you should Pick. The. Blue. One. Don't make us spell it out for you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will take some photographs this week.
Have you ever thought that your rampant video game addiction might contribute to a slowdown in your ability to take pictures?
It's all that button pressing, you see.
Regardless, you press all my buttons.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This is it, your big week.
You nervous yet?
I mean, you're getting old now.
In stuffed frog years you're, like, 26.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Man, are those stories about the President of the United States being the commander in chief of the US Army ever true.
The US Army refuses to respond to even the most basic of commands you give it this week. If you are the President of the US and they're still not responding it's probably because you haven't figured out how to use the remote.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Certain kinds of plants can cure you of your ailment this week.
Of course, your ailment is only boredom, so if you go trying to cure yourself you're bound to regret it, really. Because boredom isn't as bad as, say, swallowing poison ivy, having your throat balloon up, all just to make things less boring.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You will sit around like a puppet without a master this week.
Because you have no horoscope.
And you don't have the film PuppetMaster in your video collection.
And video stores have been warned not to let you rent it.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will accidentally set fire to something this week.
Now, if this winds up being reported in the New York Times Book Review this may be a good thing.
If it's a Pop-Tart (tm), trust me on this one, that is not a good thing.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will hopefully not break your leg this weekend.
The whole week will be building up towards that moment when you hopefully don't break your leg this weekend.
[Horoscopes. Ulysses, overrated?]
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