Taurus April 20 - May 20
"Zip-i-dee-doo-da, zip-i-dee-ay, my oh my...LOOK OUT, INCOMING!"
Those [seven-eight-to-fifteen] words will strike terror in your very heart this week, probably around Thursday. We can't be any more specific, because that would ruin the surprise and lessen the terror a little bit.
At any rate, it'll be a false alarm, so you'll feel a little foolish afterwards, but if you time it right, you may get to cower/cling to someone really attractive, can't you?
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will find inspiration and hope in the oddest of places this week.
Detroit, for one.
If you stop after Detroit we understand.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week's insatiable urge is for peanut butter and Fluff (tm) sandwiches.
I don't know what's up with these recently. Hopefully next week your sign can hit some sort of equilibrium.
Hey! You know, your spate of insatiable urges may because you've recently been on a boat, and are just getting back your land legs.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Have you ever had fried peas?
They're little crispy green things that, well, look like peas.
At any rate, this is your big week: you will have fried peas for the first time ever this week.
If these aren't your first fried peas, well, I'd like a recount, if you don't mind.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
I have a cup of tea and cookies waiting for me, so I'm afraid you're going to get the short end of the stick this week.
Literally.
On the bright side, you get to use your "Et tu, Brutus?" speech when you do wind up being impaled on a stick.
The short end of it. As we have already said. So let us go, our tea's getting cold.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will reach level five this week.
Or your fingers may break off trying to reach level five.
Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day, amor.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The week will shake, rattle, and roll with the anticipation of turning into Pisces time of year... Which also means you're gettin' old, like.
But that's in a couple weeks.
This week you should remember not to get ahead of yourself.
Because that, and time-travelling, are the number one cause for accidentally marrying your great-grandparent and thus canceling yourself out of existence.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Listen, we're not messing around anymore.
Here's the deal: You can try all week to be good and keep in shape and stuff. Or you can sit around and just accept the inevitable.
Or you can help speed the process along by stuffing your face down at your local fastfood joint until you're sick.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Buck up, fella, this week.
You've got a good life, don't throw it all away on one hand of poker.
Besides, what the hell is your opponent going to do with your goldfish and tshirts (washed, is the condition)?
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No-thing. Not a thing.
Unless you can cut a brother a deal on some certain bits of merchandise... like watches. Because, while we don't wear one, personally, a potential job, should this all come crashing down after a particularly crap week of horoscopes, could be to sell watches on the streets of New York or Boston or somewhere.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Hey!
What the hell have you done with my records!
I mean, all those vinyls... gone, gone forever!
Ehm, wait, sorry, I never had many records (unless Batman records from the Auburn Public Library count).
In that case, wash behind your ears. You'd be surprised how many people forget to do that.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This could be your big week.
This could very well just be your normal-sized week.
We're gonna have to wait and see on this one.
[Horoscopes. Follow the winners across the nation!]
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