Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a real bee in your bonnet about the weather this week.
You could always do what a lot of people do and blame a small, mostly harmless rodent who occasionally pops his head out of his hole this time of year.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Have you ever heard the expression 'old salty dog?'
Well, if you haven't, you'll actually use it this week!
It will be in reference to a suspect hot dog you order from your local hot dog vendor this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Woo! The Patriots won!
This week you spend twiddling your thumbs, watching the "Days 'till Spring Training" ticker on redsox.com.
You could always start following the Bruins again, you know? Glen Murray's a scoring machine lately!
Oh, and you will have an insatiable urge to bake a cake this week. Don't ask me why.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Actually, last week was it.
All you see this week is a load of government agents shooting down a weather balloon, which they categorically deny is an alien spaceship.
You tell them you know, because it was your weather balloon.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
MAKE A DECISION!
Mercury says get up off your butt and make a freaking decision already.
Do it, please, you know you want to. And if you don't, do it for the sake of the children, any children.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are a very special nut.
Most probably a cashew, because who doesn't like cashews?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Give someone the gift of gab this week.
A pair of cardboard cutout lips might be a good way to signify that sort of gift.
Let's call this your arts and crafts week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
That gold-encrusted chain around your neck keeps getting caught in all your sweaters this week.
Also, you keep having creepy dreams about that scene in Superman, the Movie, where Lex Luthor puts a chunk of Kryptonite on a chain around Superman's neck and leaves him in the pool.
So you take it off this week.
When you get lured into falling into a pool on Saturday you'll be thankful you did.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Listen, sit down.
We've been meaning to talk to you about this for some time.
Okay. Oh boy... how to start?
Here it comes, I'm just going to come right out with it:
You're eccentric. Oh sure, some people might tell you this is a good thing. Yeah, sure.
Anyway, you might want to become more conventional, you know, wear a tie and stuff more often.
Then again, you may wish to eschew that and focus on more troublesome issues. Like that creeping vine you've recently discovered in the yard.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I have nothing to say to you.
Well, except that you have no horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Hoo-ee. No offence, but, like, you kinda stink.
So, this week is bath week, is it?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Don't say no this week.
It may seem like a good idea, but it will shut doors. And windows. And anything else you might want open.
Also, you should grab your lover or, failing the existence of one, the first person you see on Wednesday, and give 'em a little kiss.
[Horoscopes. Now if they could just win one...]
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