Taurus April 20 - May 20
No matter what you do, you seem to be stuck on cruise control this week. Ginseng, ginger, caffeine in the form of coffee, Coca Cola, butter, cocoa beans, Jolt! Cola, and caffeine pills won't break you out of the funk.
I find tapping the brake lightly gets me out of cruise control. So whatever your metaphorical brake is, tap it a couple of times and see of that helps. Saturn is betting 3-1 it doesn't help.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Too much soda is bad for you.
Of course, if you're rolling around on the ground like a big, fat, bloated tub (full of carbonated sugar water), you probably know this by now.
This is really for those of you still sitting in front of the computer, thinking of heading for the fridge and/or the soda machine down the hall.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You are somewhere sunny this week. And warm. Which rules out New England.
Mercury, thanks to no cloud-cover, can see you if you stick your head out the window and wave up.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This week you should be enjoying the spoils of your lottery wins from last week.
Early this week, you will buy something stupid, just for the heck of it. Like a howler monkey.
Not that howler monkeys are stupid. It's just that, as a purchase, they're not the greatest investment, you know?
They make excellent, and interesting, guard pets, though.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
There will be a peculiar smell coming from the living room this week.
You will pretend you can't smell it, and spend a good deal of your time not in the living room.
Hopefully next week you or a person of another sign will have the sort of week where you can deal with mysterious smells in a constructive and smell-reducing manner.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Take time to look out at the stars this week.
On Thursday, just for you, we're going to spell out the answer to Friday's crossword in the Times. So have a pen handy, and get writing!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, look.
You have the opportunity to save someone's life this week.
Send a photo of a tattoo (yours or someone else's) to someone who needs a tattoo picture.
The life you save may be the life of your brother.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week is a little like a brass penny.
It'll always turn up.
Which, ehm, is good. I suppose.
Libra September 23 - October 22
So last week, we admit, might have been a bit of a let-down. Especially as your maker, Bert, followed you home last week and now won't leave you alone.
And he keeps eating all your Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So, are things looking up this week?
We can't tell you. But if you write in, we can at least tell you how your last week
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Get off your butt and build that space ship like you've always wanted.
If you've not always wanted to build a space ship maybe you should re-think your priorities, no?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your hair will be very short this week.
This is because you're going to get a haircut this week.
Little do you know it, but there's someone very beautiful mere yards from where you are right now.
[Check for hollow walls if you can't find them.]
[Horoscopes. Make your own iPod protest stickers.]
|
