Taurus April 20 - May 20
This week you will have nothing to do with beans: green, string, black, Mexican jumping, lima. None of 'em.
So I hope you got your fill last week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've got some mustard on your chin this week.
And you will find great fortune.
The two things are probably not related, unless you're entered in some mustard-wearing competition and happen to wear your mustard with great style. Or something.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your first thing to do, as Maurice, is to fix the kitchen sink. It turns out Maurice is a crackerjack plumber.
Yet doubts begin to creep into your mind this week as to whether you should remain as Maurice or revert to your ol' self.
There's one school that says 'to thine own self be true', and then there's the other, which says "it's not easy to find a good plumber these days."
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The stars thank you for all the food last week.
For that, this week you will win the lottery. Twice.
See? It's almost karma-like.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Hmm, that's weird, I could have sworn I put my glasses down somewhere near here last week.
You will find a pair of glasses somewhere around here this week.
And you'd better hope they're not broken in any way.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are feeling very sleepy, veeeeery sleepy.
When you wake up, you will feel better. Not so sickly.
And you will make those little pizzas you probably have in your fridge.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
This will be a spirited week for you.
No, not as in Charles Dickens, but the vim and vigour sort of spirit.
Unless you're around little children who've just seen, this past holiday season, A Christmas Carol, in which case, it may very well be a Dickensian sort of spirit.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Life's choices can most definitely be made simply by following bumper stickers this week.
Following their content, that is, not following them around on the streets. That would be stupid, now.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Down by the river, you shall meet your maker.
It's Bert, an ex-General Electric engineer who burned out in the mid-70s and experimented with making people for a few years.
He likes grape juice, if you were going to bring him any gifts.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You're a little bit like the Wandering Jew (* Okay, don't take any offence just yet, hold on, this isn't a racial slur), aren't you?
Well, except that you aren't wandering the earth until judgement day, you've just not got a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There is a big hole in your life this week.
Like someone came along with a giant hole-punch and punched a big hole right in your life!
Which is exactly what happened. Some giant race of people have been running riot all over the place this week, I tell you. And they got into the stationary closet, where, you might have guessed, we keep the hole-punchers.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
That was your lucky week.
This week is lucky, yet marginally less so.
Keep in mind that you cannot just jump right in and save all the manatees at once, you have to start small. Like with one really tiny manatee. Probably a toy one, just to practise.
[Horoscopes. It involves chickens.]
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