Taurus April 20 - May 20
Beware the ides of March.
Better prepare now than forget about it and be stuck then.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You, watch the Tauris' back this week, they're preoccupied with March.
Meanwhile, there are some good audio books out there you could take advantage of, while you wait. And watch.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Some people call you Maurice this week (woo wooheeeorh).
This is weird.
Until you look in the mirror and see that you have, in fact, turned into Maurice!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Some people start to call you the space cowboy... when they do, be sure to point them at the nearest Virgo, and send them on their way.
In other news, you will feed someone a lot this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Dude, that is, like, so profound. Whatever you were just thinking was profound.
That's just the way you'll be this week. Profound.
Good on you.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will be treated very well this week by a dorky looking sort of stranger.
Who will never leave your side again, like some sort of dorky-looking leech or parasite of similar habits. But in a nice way. Hopefully.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Thanks for letting me play in the gym.
Where were the munchkins, though?
Aries March 21 - April 19
Oh man, it wasn't ebola, was it?
Try lying down this week, taking it easy. I've heard it's feed a fever, stab ebola with heated pins. Try that.
If it doesn't make you feel better maybe you've not got it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Okay, so this week, if all is fair in love and war, you will win the thirty million dollar lottery for Massachusetts.
Oh, wait. All's not fair in love and war?
Well that's just tough luck, man.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So. Life's kinda empty, i'n't?
Sucks that way, 'round the holidays, no horoscope and all.
And sorry, no, you can't come over.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I hope you didn't touch that dial, I know you were thinking about it last week.
This week, refrain from touching the couch. And the windows (we don't want streak marks).
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All right, where the hell are my pants, you thieving little...
You will return said pants before sundown, Thursday, or there will be heck to pay.
(PS. This is your lucky week.)
[Horoscopes. Go pick out a calendar... from us to you this holiday season.]
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