Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will find a pouch full of magic beans this week.
Be careful, though, because without an expiration date clearly marked on the pouch you have no way of knowing whether or not they've gone off.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are soon to be a parent... soooooon, we sense it.
If you already have become a parent (say, twenty years or more ago), well, our telescope lens is a little dirty this evening.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your laptop (if you have one) will have weird fingerprints all over it this week.
It's not my... oh, wait. Maybe it is. I'm like Santa Claus, if all Santa Claus did was sneak into every Virgo's house in the world in the week before Christmas and type on their laptop for a couple of minutes.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will have strange visitations on Saturday.
Not too strange, hopefully. Just strange enough.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You know that saying about once bitten twice shy?
Ignore it this week. And when you get bitten, just run, run man! Because needle-nose whatever that thing is isn't going to just bite once if you give it half the chance!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Saturn says they're looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. What's that all about?
I mean, that's not even really specifically covered in these weekly horoscopes, we usually let the weekends run themselves. But here goes stupid old Saturn, jumping the gun, getting all excited about Sunday morning, early morning, no less! What's that all about!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Nice shoes.
This week is a time for reflection.
Reflection and buying those munchkins from the donut shop, so get going... we'll wait.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You look a little peaked.
You feelin' okay? You sure?
Because Mercury that close to your third house of stuff makes it pretty likely you've got ebola. Or are just behind in your shopping for presents. One or the other.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Not on my watch, mister, no way.
So get back in your little cardboard box this week.
Maybe next week, when you've learned the meaning of the word callipygous we'll let you out.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
And you, well, lemme tell you about you:
You've got no horoscope, see?
Now what's that all about? Huh? And your shirt's wrinkled.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Do. Not. Touch. That. Dial.
Right. So just take it easy, and ease on back to your chair. Without touching the dial. Thaaaaat's right.
Good. Now take a nap or something.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are very lucky this week.
In the beginning it'll start lucky, the middle will remain pretty lucky, and then by the end you'll be even luckier still.
Who made you Chief Lucky of the Lucky tribe?
[Horoscopes. It's not so snowy, East-coast-side.]
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