Taurus April 20 - May 20
Splurge this week. Despite sounding, well, disgusting, this shouldn't be.
Unless it happens to be the sound of a Christmas cake splattering all over the floor of the bakery shop when you fail to get a good grip on it, taking it out to your car.
And this will happen to one of you Tauri this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
If you do one thing this week, make sure you do it well.
Otherwise everyone'll be all like, "Why didn't you do more?" and you'll have nothing to say back, really.
But if you've done something really well, well, you can always just point at that thing and say, "Hey, that took a damn lot of work. That's why."
It helps if what you spend your time doing well during the week is something tangible and point-able-at-able. Otherwise you look a bit dumb.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Take it back, take it all back!
You've had a life-changing change of heart (that's two changes in one, which do not, in fact, make a double negative... or change) this week, invalidating all the purchases you made for the holiday season.
You have an unspeakable (and it's best kept that way) urge to buy everyone you know Sane Magazine tshirts. Which is weird, because we never wound up making any of them.
So you're sort of stuck in shopper's limbo this week, where you've returned everything but can't actually buy the one thing that's suddenly struck you as the perfect gift for everyone.
This is the zodiacal equivalent of a pinball machine, I suppose...
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Pinbaaaaall!!!!
That thought, alone, in all its' shiney beeping goodness will carry you through a week that otherwise would have been quite trying.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Have a JellyFish(tm) this week.
You'll find your old qualms about brutal treatment of real fish used to make JellyFish(tm) have magically disappeared.
If you're feeling especially daring see what other moral high grounds you used to hold have passed by the wayside while you weren't really paying attention.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will receive many gifts this week.
No, you haven't guessed what they are.
You may think you have, but you haven't.
Anyway, you're still beautiful, so we'll forgive you for thinking you're right when you're wrong.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Jump for joy this week!
Just jump for it, no particular reason. Maybe go around your workplace or something and try to get people to pledge money.
Tell 'em it's for a cause, anyway.
Aries March 21 - April 19
A backed up sink will make your week less than pleasant.
In personal matters, try and eliminate any embarassing promises you might have made in one way or another. Trained assassins hitting the promisee are an option.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You will face an enormous amount of peer pressure this week.
You will appreciate this decidedly jejune pressure when your block experiences global warming first hand and is submerged ten thousand feet under water.
How you fare under one kind of pressure does not necessarily dictate how you will react to the other.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
If you had a horoscope, it would probably have something to do with ninjas.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Happy birthday if your birthday happens to fall on, like, today!
If it doesn't, well... stop reading, pick it up when yours rolls around. If it's not going to roll around until next year, well... sorry.
Anyway, have a banana for me.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do you think your nose looks funny this week? I think it does... look, it looks a little lopsided or something.
Wear a hat with a long brim just in case.
In money matters, always bet on red. Or black. We're not legally allowed to favour a certain colour over another.
[Horoscopes. You can never go wrong mentioning sporks in a joke.]
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