Taurus April 20 - May 20
You and gorgonzola decide to split a posh Bermudian mansion with the proceeds of your bets on yourselves last week.
The thing that you notice, sharing a mansion with a bunch of cheese is that, well, cheese stinks. And even when you've got 47 rooms (4 and a half of those bathrooms), it's pretty darn tough to get away from it all sometimes.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week you will reap the benefits of someone else's hard work.
You could take this either 1) as a stroke of good fortune that you should cherish and possibly share with others or 2) try and figure out how to make that happen more often without, of course, doing any more work than necessary. Either way, it'll keep you busy this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're so sick of the Belgians this week. And so are we, to be honest for a second.
So the best course of action is to focus on board games this week.
Your neighbour hopefully has a decent (and well-varied) collection.
That scratching sound you hear on Thursday is the Belgians at the window, looking in forlornly.
I would say wait until Friday to ask them in, after all, they did turf you out of your house and poison a fair number of your neighbours with the grapes in the last couple of weeks.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
There's no time like the present, so get movin'.
And, umm... wait. For your instructions, by the lockers at the bus station.
Do not mistake any and all mimes that may take up residence by the lockers as the messenger. Last time that happened it was almost fatal for you.
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Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Oh man, sorry about last week.
I hope none of you had homework assignments or big presentations at work and worked that "human's are 96% butter" thing we were talking about last week in.
Turns out we were slightly off.
Sorry about that.
A lot of people are 96% margarine; those must have been an old textbook or star system we were consulting.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Let your tuna melt side show through this week, but not in a greasy sort of soaked-the-paper-right-through-and-now-the-table-is-soaked-in-tuna-melt-grease kind of way.
Just to be on the safe side, you might want to wear a rain slicker this week, in case it is a little greasy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
I just don't know what happened last week. Between screwing up the Capricorns' thing and, well, yours, man, we're sorry.
So when we said 'lucky' last week... well, we mis-read.
But hey, having a ducky month isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it?
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, perhaps more fittingly, some of you might say, purple-striped winged monkeys will hold untold mysteries and surprises this week!
They hold them way above your head, too, so they remain mysteries for the entire week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
We saw you in the mall last weekend, nice job, very good with the full contact shopping.
This week, practise the ancient art of recovering from all the bruises you incurred during the previous week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Ohmigod! While you were sleeping last week you missed out on a horoscope!
Heh. Just kidding.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you went out and got a sombrero for this week, man could you have done a more dumb thing?
The answer is no, in case you're wondering, as a sombrero will not help one little bit this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Every journey begins with the weeks before, when you fail to do any preparation of packing of any kind at all.
These are those weeks. So lounge around and enjoy it!
[Horoscopes. The Head Editor has a haiku on, you guessed it, redsoxhaiku.com]
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