Taurus April 20 - May 20
Gorgonzola will be your nemesis this week.
It may be the cheese, or perhaps just the word. Who knows?
We do, but we're obligated not to reveal under client-attorney privileges.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is also a week of mystery, but the sort of mystery that's borne out of laziness.
As in: "What's the sound downstairs?" "I don't know, it's a mystery."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Belgians have let up in their grape onslaught this week, so it may be a good time to run out and get groceries.
Which is exactly what they want you to do!
When you get back they've stormed your apartment and have barricaded all the doors.
This is a good week to get to know your neighbours better.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If a man approaches you this week and offers to teach you how to fish or to simply give you the fish he has in his hand, don't take the fish. He's probably just trying to get it off his hands so he can upgrade to a bird in the hand.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
If you followed our advice from last week, you're still walking.
And find yourself in Cornwall.
If you didn't follow our advice last week you're probably just sitting in front of your computer, surfing.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Friends and relatives will comment this week on how they feel like they don't even know you anymore.
This could have something to do with the streaks of colour in your hair.
Or it could be that all your friends and relatives happen to be philosophers of the Skeptic School when it comes to believing whether or not one can actually ever truly know anything or anyone.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will reach an extremely important decision this week.
Hopefully, this will finally resolve the great debate between which you like better: Coke or Pepsi.
Aries March 21 - April 19
No major news from the stars this week.
Just keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Good job.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The fireman's pole leading down takes you into a subterranean cavern.
And there is this kickin' car in the middle of all these gadgety-looking things.
The big design flaw with this cave, however, it the complete and utter lack of doors.
It was probably those damn M.I.T. kids again, reassembling cars in the middle of a room from which you're not going to get it out.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So, no sign of a horoscope, no immediate hope for one in the future, what do you decide to do?
That's right. You're going to go to the Sane Magazine offices and blow them up.
Because that seems to work, logically. Somehow.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will become something of a legend this week: the encyclopedia salesperson who really, truly cared.
At least, this is one of the many fantasies that will skip around your mind while you're out trying to peddle your wares.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
I see snow in your future.
If you picked up one of those surveyors things last week, you might want to not bring that.
Wear some sort of funny hat this week, to give people something to talk about, anyway.
[Horoscopes. Bill Joy owns a Mac now?]
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