Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will try, and fail, to eat a whole pie by yourself this week.
Chin up. Well, wipe it off, first. And then chin up.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Hey, now that I think of it, "chin up" sounds a little bit like turnip, doesn't it?
Oh come on, you can't tell me you haven't thought the same thing.
Have a turnip and carrot margarita to celebrate.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Belgium has declared war on you, due to the preponderance of asparagus tips (presumably as opposed to sprouts from the offended nation) in your pantry.
Although I don't have any hard evidence of satellite capabilities, I wouldn't go outside too much this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is a good week to try out your new Barbara Streisand impression.
This is largely because, due to Saturn being a little too intimate with the Gemini cluster this week, you are very very alone this week, because no one wants to get too close to Saturn, it being a very large planet and all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Okay, get up and at 'em!
Time to milk the cows! Listen, no slacking, I know you saved the whales and everything two weeks ago, but what have you done for me lately? Eh?
If you don't have any cows you'd better be running down to the grocer's pretty early to get me a couple cartons of milk (low-fat, please).
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Heeeeeey, nice jeans.
Some people may tell you you're crazy this week.
Some people may throw rutabagas at you. Remember, they can't hurt you if you don't know what they are.
You will find either the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow this week or an iTunes Music Gift Certificate worth $50.
Aside from that, not much else will happen.
Oh!
Except that you kill someone this week with your propensity to leave cupboard doors open... cupboards door at head level... suspicious...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You probably have one of the ten most overpaid jobs.
Really.
Sooo... We're not saying money buys better horoscopes... but, well... you know. It does.
Aries March 21 - April 19
I'm thinking of a number between one and twelve.
Can you guess it it?
Your stars say no.
Libra September 23 - October 22
The mysterious red phone in your back room rings this week.
Funny, that's never happened before.
You didn't think it was connected.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So you have no horoscope. Do you let it get you down?
Well, maybe. It's been... well, a lot of years without a horoscope.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you survived the phone-thwacking of last week, way to go.
This week you start your new life, post-Japanese hype, as a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman.
Mercury says to wear comfortable shoes.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Okay, not so smug this week.
This week you will find a chicken by the side of the road.
Now, the Buddha never said anything about "if you see a chicken by the side of the road, kill it."
So it's a good thing you just keep on drivin'.
[Horoscopes. Dance, baby, dance!]
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