Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your personal karma has just dropped right through the floor this week, and you're not entirely sure why. Neither are we. After all, ours is not to reason why, and all that.
Try rescuing some burning kittens or something.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This week is an entirely different can of worms.
Originally, you thought it was another can of soup, tomato, to be precise, but it turned out to be a can of worms.
Which, yes, is a bit of a loop.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Well, seeing as how you've got an inordinate amount of asparagus tips lying around (understand that we mean this figuratively, it's okay if you've got them in jars, or in a plastic bag, or in the crisper, please, don't feel the need to take them out and lie them around, don't), we might as well do something with them.
Take 12 asparagus spears, cut them into 1 and a half inch pieces, dice three small tomatoes, and slice up a small red onion. After cooking the asparagus in boiling salted water until crisp tender, drain and cool. How is up to you. Then place the spear pieces and the onion and tomato in a bowl, and toss with some sort of dressing.
With the remaining asparagus tips set up a decorative fence around the kitchen table and get some Lego(tm) men or something to guard the special asparagus watchtower.
For more asparagus recipes, see this site.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You made lemonade out of that four door sedan that arrived, by accident, as we noted, at your door last week.
While this is impressive, Life is still going to have to ask for some sort of reimbursement.
And it's lemons, lemons, that make lemonade. With a distinct lack of an oily undertone/bouquet.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The whales are safe, and it's all due to you!
Take a break this week, you've done well.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You lazy butt, what have you been doing? Look at the good old Capricorns. They went out and saved the whales last week. All of 'em! Except one little one that reminded them of Shamu that just didn't seem to want to be saved. Besides, some Jehovah's witnesses were working on it every time they checked in on it.
And what have you done? What? I can't hear you.
Listen, still can't... no, look, I still can't hear you. So stop yelling at your computer.
Okay, okay, maybe, on second thought, you've been working too hard.
PS. By lazy butt I was, in all honestly, just looking for a way to refer to your butt in some way or another during the course of this horoscope.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will have a shock for everyone you know this week.
But listen, if it involves you jumping up and down and swinging your arms and pretending to be an ape out of the blue again, I'm going to say it first, knock it off.
Okay, so maybe you won't be shocking everyone this week.
Make a pie or something instead. Maybe send it to your brother. That would be good karma, let me tell you.
Aries March 21 - April 19
We have a thing about karma this week, don't we?
Well, it's not us, of course, it's the stars, primarily.
And comets, yes, comets sometimes come into play.
And planets. Celestial bodies, I might say.
Good, very good. Someone was paying attention in astronomy, weren't they?
You will find a sink filled with dirty dishwater this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Attila doesn't call, he doesn't write, he just doesn't keep in touch.
This week may be the week to break it off with him.
Start taking classes, try silk painting, we've heard it's nice, to occupy your time and take your mind off things. Well, things except paint and silk, of course.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
*Bleep* *Bleep* *Bleep* *Bleep* *Bleeeeeeeeeeep*
Ohmigosh, is that the alarm! Look what time it is!
We've gotta run!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Look, we told you you were popular in Japan last week. For the week. We didn't say anything about once that week was over, damnit.
Yeah, well, we've just caught the paper, the advanced Zodiac edition we get, "The Headlines of Tomorrow, Today" it says.
And you'd better not been one of the three hundred fourteen thousand Sagittarii stuck at Tokyo Narita Airport when Neptune's influence began to fade and the whole of Japan rose up against you and your little cartoons and started thwacking you with impossibly tiny phones.
It apparently is/will have been the most horrific phone thwacking in the history of phones.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be very smug this week.
I'm not entirely sure why, as you haven't any glaring reason to be, but there it is.
Maybe you were like a firstborn or something. Eldest children are always so smarmy.
We hope that mustard from the hot dog on Wednesday really messes up your shirt.
[Horoscopes. Chaucer finally catches up with the times.]
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