Taurus April 20 - May 20
Whistle a happy tune this week.
If you can't whistle, well, just do that half-spitting thing you do when you attempt to whistle. Just make sure you make it sound happy.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Heeeeey.
So, what were we talking about, anyway?
Well, it probably wasn't that important, anyway.
Watch your back this week. Watch it very carefully. You know.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Hey, take a look at all those Leos, walking around all stealthily-like. They're so weird, aren't they?
You will be slightly less weird than them this week.
This is a good week for you at slot machines and wishing wells.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are stuck in a rut this week.
Literally. Your car just sort of swerved a little, and you've been driving down that one road, the wheels on one side of your car completely and utterly stuck in a rut alongside.
Maybe you should stop and ring for a towtruck.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Listen, you're going to get into trouble if you keep trying to get into parties, pretending you're Joe Pesci.
Keep a low profile this week.
Maybe play frisbee in the park or something.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
Could you shift just a little bit to the left, I can't see the stars with you in the way, you're blinding me...
Ohhhh. Good one. You're about to win a million dollars
(Warning: the million dollars may be metaphorical, does not apply in all regions, offer expires 27 October 2003, may cause dizziness and/or extreme kissing.)
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Right-o, sparky, get off yer butt and get out there and
If you already are outside, way to go. Way to show some ingenuity and initiative.
However, don't do it again. From now on, it's Simon Says... if we don't say Simon says, you don't do it.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Okay, so the stunt of stamping all over the place last week has backfired. Or at least not worked out.
You're sentenced by the city of where you live to clean it all up now.
At least that gives you something to do this week, anyway.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Nice shoes.
Try and not be so wimpy this week.
And by that we don't mean you have to be tough, just not so wimpy, you know?
No?
All right. The pink parasol? Ditch it, that's what we're talking about.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Watch my finger very, vee-ery carefully.
Watch it, watch it... good.
Okay, that's all. Thanks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
WAKE UP!!!
Did that work? You awake?
Good. I, ehm, forget what it was I was going to say here.
Well, anyway, carry on. Maybe get me a drink, if you're going by the fridge at all.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are going to have the weirdest time with grapes this week.
Raisins will be okay, it's just grapes, for some reason. Jupiter again. It has some sort of thing against grapes, I suppose. And you have to deal with the backlash. Go figure.
[Horoscopes. Ehm... well, I don't see the face, personally. But then I may lack imagination.]
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