Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are going to be very happy if (err, I mean when) the Red Sox are in the World Series. Even if you are, heaven forbid, a Y&^kees fan.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are allergic, without knowing it, to one of the following: monkey droppings, lemons, peanuts, or sponges.
Your enemies might use this knowledge now to try and find your one true weakness, seeing as how throwing chunks of kryptonite at you last week annoyed you, but didn't quite weaken you. Especially when you were trying to watch the television at the time, and it was just detracting from that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Be ready, Saturn seems to think you might be called upon to pitch Game 6 in New York if Pedro isn't ready.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
This is going to be an auspicious week.
Maybe you should go to Vegas... then again, maybe that's why it'll be auspicious.
Who knows, with these auspicious things?
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Hey! Aren't you Joe Pesci!?
If you are, well-done, way to go. We loved you in that film.
If not, well, keep up your Joe Pesci impersonation, it could get you into a lot of parties, you know.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will trust a tall, dark (well, ish) handsome person this week.
You will trust them a lot. A whole lot.
You will give them lots of money, if they ask. No! Wait, I mean, you will do as they say, you will do as they say.
Wednesday will be forever nicknamed "Crazy Ferret Wednesday" to you from this Wednesday forth.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Good friends describe you as the "little tsunami that could."
I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Take it up with your friends, we're only here, telling you what they're calling you behind your back.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Stamp your authority on the week, preferably using erasable stamp ink, because 80 million Aries stamping stuff all over the week is going to get downright illegible come Friday.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Okay, okay, you can stop humming this week.
You will remind us to pay the phone bill later in the week, seeing as how you're not doing anything else.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So... maybe you should start singing the "bottles of beer on the wall" song. After all, it'll take your mind off of stuff until 2009.
Or maybe you should count sheep. No! Wait! Not that! That's for sleeping, and you don't want to do that, you just want to wait it out... maybe counting tiles on the ceiling or something. Don't give up if you have stucco ceilings, just view it as an extra-special challenge.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You never ever did the get the hang of the high fastball.
That's just proven again this week.
At work.
By the water cooler.
I don't know why you would be, but make sure you're wearing shoes at work, so as not to get glass all inside your foot.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Way to go on the dinner thing last week.
This week, ehm, I don't know, walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Make sure you get their permission first.
Oh, oh yeah, and do that thing we discussed... you know, the thing.
[Horoscopes. For those of you that want one of those nice shiny iPods.]
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