Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've got some stuff in your teeth this week.
You're gonna need floss for that, just brushing alone won't do it.
Leo July 23 - August 22
How's your leg feeling?
Oh right, sorry, that's from what's going to happen to you on Friday... nevermind, then.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The Yankees are going to play very poorly this week.
If you are a member of the New York Yankees and a Virgo (or any sign, come to think of it), this means you.
Otherwise, have a nice week!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Okay, so I'm going to have to agree with Cosmo on this one: You're gonna get some seriously mixed signals this week.
Someone's going to have to fix those damn mobile phone towers or you might as well give up and get back to sending pigeons.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This week, prepare a salad.
Now, I want you to note the differences between last week, when you prepared your CV and this week.
If you don't notice any significant differences, you may have done one of the two preparations wrong.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You decide to chuck it all, pack it in, and move to a little commune on Cape Cod to become a full-time artist.
That happens on Wednesday.
You will spend the remainder of the week sitting around the house, watching television, in your final farewell to society, as you have it.
Someone may take you to dinner.
This may be considered a request for a date, yes.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Wildebeest!
Even the cry alone is enough to send you scurrying for cover now.
Just kidding, however, this will be wildebeest-free week number two for you.
So you can stop running now... sure, you're telling everyone, including yourself, that it's training for a marathon, but you're not fooling anyone, you know.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Relatives! Pah!
You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em, can you?
But you can, oh yes you can. Try and keep it under your hat, though, if everyone else found out you can, they're going to be pissed off.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Hum a little tune this week.
Here's a little something to get things going:
Doo, doo, doo doo doo doo, doo.
Past that, it's really a free will, non-pre-destined sort of week for you!
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Look, you're going to have to wait your turn.
The deal is: you'll be getting a horoscope in 2009, which, of course, is when the planets are aligned such that we can see Scorpio again. Until then, suck it up, it's astrological, not personal.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're going to have the darndest trouble with sleep walking this week.
This may be your subconscious telling you something.
Or it may be that your inability to do anything involving gum and perambulatory matters extends even to your sleeping mind.
PS. You shouldn't be chewing gum in bed. It's dangerous.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Take someone to dinner this week, for the love of all that's holy and good.
We realise we've been getting a bit uptight with you, but it's just... well, sometimes you need that extra push, don't you?
[Horoscopes. Bring on the sumos! And Bill Joy goes and speaks some more, now that he's outta Sun.]
|
