Taurus April 20 - May 20
You are going to be wearing a fishing hat at some point this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There's a faint sniff of tuna about your week.
This is most effectively disguised with some sort of lemon-scented product and/or lemons.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
So, your sign's season may be over, but with the accounting for timezones and all, you may still receive aluminium-like things this week that might remind you of your sign's season.
If that makes sense.
Then again, you might not. I've never gotten the hang of timezones, personally, and would choose not to believe in them, if someone ever asked.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
If you want something done, you're best off doing it yourself. It has never been more true this week.
Unless it's something like nuclear fission. In that case, maybe you want to wait for someone to help.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Prepare your CV (resumé) this week, it may come in handy.
Then again, it might not.
But prepare it, nonetheless.
If you're still feeling somewhat ill-prepared, try and find a cheap machete.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Life is like a waterbed this week.
Squidgy and if you throw sharp stones at it it pops.
And for those of you Cancerians living in glass houses, or even just houses with big windows, you don't want to be doing that.
Vous êtes ma belle fleur.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The angry wildebeest had wandered off sometime in the last week, leaving you huddled in the corner of your living room.
This week, try something new, a new restaurant with cuisine you've never tasted before, or maybe drink an expensive wine, and expound loudly how happy you are to be alive, and not, say, cornered in your living room by an angry wildebeest.
Because you truly cannot know when something like that is going to happen again.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The old lady you knocked over last week turns out to be Dorothy Parker, and she's pissed off at you for knocking her over.
And that she's dead, which you try and explain isn't your fault at all, she died in 1967, after all.
It must be due to her underlying sense of pessimism and disenchanted stories that she's always so pissed off, you figure.
This isn't too much of a comfort, however, when faced with a pissed off old woman with an acerbic wit who's been dead since 1967.
Libra September 23 - October 22
This week will be one for the record books, yes indeedy.
Just what they'll be recording is up to you.
Which is a huge deal of pressure, I understand, but try going for one of the easier records, like most books read in a week, or most times not stung by a bee or something.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
I want you to close your eyes and count to four thousand... go on...
Gooooood.
*scamper scamper*
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your talent this week appears to lie in, well, lying.
Go on, try it.
...
Okay, no lies about relatives, though.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Get a haircut.
This week. For the love of all that's holy and good.
After that... well, that's it. Just Cut. Your. Hair.
[Horoscopes. Guess who's in the playoffs! Err... what the hell are play-offs doing in baseball?]
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