Taurus April 20 - May 20
I don't know where I've left my zodiac notebook this week.
So... all I've got is this Chinese Zodiac placemat I got from a restaurant.
You will be prosperous. This week, and this week only.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Got your nose!
Unfortunately, haven't got your horoscope, as I've mentioned, I can't find my notebook.
Got your nose!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Working off this same Chinese restaurant placemat, you will have a stubborn, eccentric week, and be distant at parties. Whether this means you're in the parlour while everyone else is out by the pool we don't know.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will love to gossip this week, with big, successful ambitions.
There is a small splotch of sweet and sour sauce gone slightly dark, which prevents me from saying anything else.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've got a quick temper and are easy going but stubborn... which leads me to believe this placemat may not be the most accurate zodiac gauge in the world, as they then go on to say you're also easy to please.
Anyway, you'll be fine this week, just fine.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
I give up on the whole Chinese zodiac thing.
A strange feeling will come over you on Thursday, and you will inexplicably be really bad at tennis from that day forth.
This may be a quite common Autumn Curse, since it's curse season, after all. There's no cure for it, I'm afraid.
(ps. Happy Anniversary!)
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Okay, I'm going to make some wild stabs, seeing as how I still can't find my notebook, and the placemat replacement isn't really working for me.
Okay, okay, hold still... I'm sensing... something may be up with your feet this week.
Aries March 21 - April 19
What's that one where you study the bumps on the head, phrenology?
Yeah. Well, according to that, you're going to have a benevolent week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You look kind of funny, you know that?
I'd never really noticed until now.
Oh, not like funny in a bad way, just... you know, funny.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Sorry, complete blank. I'm completely drawing a blank here.
This phrenology is tough.
And you don't get anything, anyway.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Hey, go out and fetch me the newspaper, okay?
And remember, while you're out, the journey is the reward. And the destination. Though the other destination is getting the paper and bringing it to me.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week, you will have had just about two years of continuous luck.
Which is a pretty long streak of luck.
In dog years, that's a lot of luck.
If luck were a soup, it would be a really, really big bowl of clam chowder.
Which sounds good, have a bowl of clam chowder (pronounced 'chow-dah') this week.
[Horoscopes. Wow. See ya, Johnny.]
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