Taurus April 20 - May 20
The impromptu gathering of Tauri on the Galapagos last week is over, and many tearful goodbyes are said, until the next time you're all gathered in one place for no apparent reason other than the stars aligning in a certain way.
Many of the tearful goodbyes are also due to the fact that you missed your big show in Vegas, and that money really would have come in handy.
As it is a lot of you have to catch lifts on the backs of tortoises because you can't afford the ferry fare.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't forget the Alamo!
Especially if you're going on a game show where they ask loads of American history questions.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Duct-taping your windows is no protection against a human black hole. Nor is it protection against a real black hole.
In fact, a black hole sitting in the middle of your sign this week is laughing at you, laughing at you.
So put down your duct tape (and duck tape, if any of you were using that) and take advantage of the 15% discounts on all food items that having a black hole in your star sign get you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Life is like a lemon meringue pie sitting on your doorstep.
You might be excited at first, but some sneaking suspicion deep down inside makes you think it might have been sitting out too long in the sun.
Then you throw caution to the wind, because, after all, it's lemon meringue, and good for throwing, at the very least, if you don't like the taste of it.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Did you know that rabbits are ten times smarter than your average everyday moss?
This fact is brought to you by Mercury, who has little else to offer this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will receive your license to thrill on Tuesday!
This may or may not include hotpants and a lifetime supply of balloons.
With all those balloons, the more foresighted of you will have bought an ionic hard dryer already. Those who haven't... well... just hope and pray you've put static cling sheets in your last wash.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will need to borrow ten bucks later this week.
Not because you don't have the money, but because, with Mars in your Third House of Heroics, it means you just sort of get in one of those moods where you want to see how much you can borrow from people without stepping over that line of good faith.
And before you can ask, the answer is "no." Sorry.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The guys and you (now minus the rabbi) have to duck out the back of most of the venues you walk into, for fear of the crowd of angry Jewish people protesting your forcing out of the rabbi.
Meanwhile, the rabbi is enjoying his time in the animal jokes, and even sends the odd postcard.
Libra September 23 - October 22
There's a hairy moment when a show on channel two claims to "expose the mob" in recent events, but it turns out it's about a bunch of idiots congregating in a carpet shop, holding picket signs, and then disappearing.
"Hell, before you joined the mob, you used to do the same sort of thing," you'll think to yourself, "flash-mobbing, they call it."
This is when you get a call from Don Giovanni.
"You're to stop all this flash-mobbing nonsense," he says. "And quick."
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
No offense intended by calling you a cabin boy last week, y'know?
No horoscope this week, either, cap'n.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will drive loads of traffic to the Sane Magazine site this week, you will drive loads of traffic to the Sane Magazine site.
You are also feeling very sleepy.
When you hear someone snap their thumbs, you will awake, feeling very refreshed.
And you know what refreshed people do... that's right, they boogie down!
The rest of your week will be spent boogie-ing down.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are very lucky this week.
An unexpected bit of news will make you choke on your tea just a little bit this week.
[Horoscopes. An excellent read. And Neal is back, and the reviews are starting...]
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