Taurus April 20 - May 20
There is no 'I' in Galapagos, either.
You are, however.
One week, and one week only.
Unfortunately, the Vegas-style hotel you were supposed to be appearing at is in, in fact, Vegas.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will finally get around to spring cleaning this week.
Of course, you always wait until summer to do it, because with the hour jump, you figure you can skip off early.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Cookies! Praise be!
Okay, you can take it easy now, we've got our cookies, we'll probably be content with those for at least another week.
Try and get out, see some sights, you never know, we might be hungry next week.
And from Jupiter in your Second House of Meetings, we're reading that you may have met the human equivalent of a black hole this last weekend.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You will feel a great connection with everyone this week.
Then the tower you're getting your mobile connection from will fritz out again and you will barely be able to ring people in the same cell.
Saturn says you might want to stick with land lines for any phone calls you might make this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You should not ever carry cookies on an airplane, even if you don't check it in and just carry it on. They break. They're cookies, that's what they do when they're pushed, pulled, and jammed in small spaces at high altitudes.
I know, I've been there.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look beautiful.
You will find a very small and very pretty pillow this week.
"Improbably small," you'll shout, "why, what's the use of an incredibly small and pretty pillow?"
Remember, sometimes the Universe is full of things we're just not meant to understand.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will finish second in your age group in a road race on Monday.
If you didn't, that was metaphorical, of course.
Aries March 21 - April 19
The rabbi leaves because he feels there just isn't enough room for a joke with four different people in it. He signs on with a joke about a fox and a rabbit.
All the people protesting Mel Gibson's The Passion for being unfair to Jews flock over to your house to protest your unfairness to Jews by making the rabbi leave.
Libra September 23 - October 22
So, as a newly inducted member of the mob, you watch a lot of television.
When your family asks what's up you say it's research, and that you're scanning the media channels to make sure the mob is portrayed in a fair and even light.
Which still makes for boring horoscope reading.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey there! Cabin boy!
No horoscope for you!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be your normal bubbly self this week.
If your normal self isn't bubbly, well, fizzle a little.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
This week will be very hot. Which suffices as both a weather report and a personal sort of achievement report.
[Horoscopes. An oldie but goodie: Tea!]
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