Taurus April 20 - May 20
Make sure you have a lawn chair handy this week.
And a hammer with a claw on the back.
It will come in handy for Wednesday.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Realise your full potential this week.
Go on, we'll give you a couple seconds to get that out of the way.
...
Okay, now don't go near the pantry this week. Ehm, after, of course, realising your true potential.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You should experiment with colour this week.
Try a little chartreuse.
Oh yeah, and be sure to have those cookies ready in case any of our staff drop by this week.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't underestimate the power of positive thinking. Just thinking of stuff can sometimes make it true.
Like, for example, cookies. Last week, we really wanted cookies. So we went to the store and got some.
You, too, could be this successful.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've gotten some spaghetti sauce on your shirt.
If it wasn't you that was eating spaghetti (or likewise sauced-food), you might want to retrace your steps and play a little game of spot-the-culprit.
This will distract you from the lack of anything else interesting going on in your week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So.
The Moon apologises for the massive waves last week.
Yeah. Big ones.
"Sorry about that," says the Moon.
We say, "You doin' anything for dinner Tuesday night?"
"No," is your answer, and don't tell us otherwise, because we read it in the stars, so we know.
Well, you are now, though.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
We're still banking on the circus monkeys.
We'll give it one more week.
In the meantime, read up on circus monkeys, because when they take over your government (Californians exempted because it's already happened) you're going to have to start behaving just a little bit different.
Aries March 21 - April 19
So you, the priest, the rabbi, and the TV evangelist depart the bar from last week for a really badly received speech in front of some labour union.
The fact that none of the labour union guys know who you are pisses them off, thinking the speaker is being a bit showy with his joke, and they storm the stage.
You, the rabbi, the priest, and the TV evangelist head for another bar nearby.
Libra September 23 - October 22
So, you're in the mob, way to go.
Of course, you haven't moved from your seat at the kitchen table, where you first got the news, and your family has had to make you cereal and toast for every meal for the week.
Which is cool, I suppose, since you're in the mob and everything already, you don't really need to do anything else -- that's your dream that came true there.
It's gonna make for boring horoscope reading, though, I tell you.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
OHMIGAWD!
Oh wait, no, it was nothing.
See you next week.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Okay, okay, we're over it.
We sometimes hit the auld fortune teller, to tell you the truth. We just don't flash it around, you know?
So we hope you've just taken away that you need to be more discreet about these sort of things.
No, you will be more discreet about these things. In the future. Because that's our job, too, telling the future.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're not too bright, sometimes.
This week will be yet another one of those sometimes.
Chicken butt.
[Horoscopes. For all you punks out there, Neal Stephenson is over at Wired.]
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