Taurus April 20 - May 20
I have pizza in my hands, it's difficult to type at the moment.
Actually, now, after finishing the piece, it's pretty tough to type as well, as I've got that pizza dust stuff, you know, the kind you get after it's been in the fridge for an evening or so, well, I've got that all over my hands, and it's messing up the keyboard.
Just be careful this week, I need to get a napkin.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Make sure you clean any equipment you might be using this week. From lawn mowers to tractor trailer trucks to electric razors I find this is always excellent advice.
And it never hurts to go over timeless stuff. Especially when the main horoscope guy has gone to the bathroom to wash his hands of all the pizza dust stuff and I'm only licensed to read tea leaves.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
So the guy's still not back, it was a pretty messy pizza. Nice, though, a really classy cheese pizza, really good on the next day out of the fridge.
I see cloudy streets ahead in your future. Hold on, this decaf coffee is crap at predicting stuff...
Okay, okay, proper tea now... don't go to the pub this week, something bad will happen to you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Okay, okay, I'm going to do something not entirely cool and try and re-use the leaves from my last cup, because otherwise I'm going to have to get up and wait for the hot water to boil, which is going to make for an awkward pause...
And it's still not done, so here we go:
A weird seaweed creature will break into your tent on Saturday evening and steal away with all your cookies.
Oh boy, maybe I should have waited for a new cup.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Ah, okay, still no sign of the man, I don't know what he's doing in there.
I sense a tension that is about to be released.
Or maybe you've just been to the gym...
Cancer June 21 - July 22
*Shluuuuurp*
Sorry.
Anyway, one more cup of tea down.
And I see... oh man. I used a bag, sorry. There's some tea dust left over, but not much.
Oh yeah, well, there's that left over, too. So, based on the cookie sludge I've left over in my tea, from dipping, you're the sexiest surfer on the beach, any beach.
You will find a very small, but pretty, very pretty rock this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
These green tea leaves are always a bit tougher to read... I think it might be because milk energizes the reading of the leaves and I never have milk with green tea.
You will... be...
Without... power... or something, for all of Wednesday.
"Sacrifice," Confucious would say, "is half the battle." Or something.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Where is this guy? Hold on, let me go check...
I'll just be a second... okay, okay, and I kind of have to, you know. I've had a lot of tea, okay?
Your aura, as it looks from here, points towards a week full of stock car racing.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Well, he's taken off or something.
His trousers were on the sink basin in the washroom, but no sign of him. Strange, since he was supposed to just be washing off the pizza dust from his hands.
Anyway, I haven't had time to make up another cup of tea yet, so... hold on, let me just re-arrange the sticky notes on the board here a little... you will... look a little like a monkey this week.
Sorry, no mob response yet.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You guys... well, I've heard about you guys... no tea leaf reading for you, either. Sorry, I haven't finished this cup yet.
Here, look, mail us and we'll send you a leaf off this little citrus tree thing we have out in the courtyard of the office, okay?
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The tea leaves say to stay away from the cupcakes this week.
Why, I'm not entirely sure... they may have been made with a sugar-substitute or be genetic mutations with horns or something. I don't know, okay? Just stay away.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Oh man, I feel so disgustingly bloated... I can't count how many cups of tea I've had, I think I feel sick.
And the guys in the office are pissed off about me re-arranging, and apparently "losing," some of them claimed, "some of the important sticky notes on the board." Which I don't believe at all.
Unless they, like, spontaneously combusted because of the power of the reading I got off them, which would be pretty impressive, and I sure as hell should be getting top billing, and not the horoscopes guy. Or at least my own section.
Anyway, your week will be fine, really.
Go surfing or something.
[Horoscopes. Google's nice and all... but this nice?]
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