Taurus April 20 - May 20
You should never have taunted that little painted dwarf down by the riverside on Monday.
Oh man oh man are you ever going to add that to your list of things not to do again.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The funkiest hat known to mankind you were wearing actually belonged to a race of aliens who specialise in hats and headgear, and they return early this week to fetch their hat, which the first mate on their ship inadvertently left in the pantry cupboard, where you found it.
They leave you with nothing but your memories of last week and a coupon book for Safeway(tm).
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You decide to journey to the Land of the Big People with Green Horns on their Head this week.
...
Don't look at us, we don't know how to get there, you're the one always going on about the "Big People."
Gemini May 21 - June 20
A freak wind out of the West will bode ill for planting carrots.
Personally, I always hated planting carrots, even after I bought one of those EZ-Planters that let you put seeds into the ground without having to bend over. It was probably the principle of the thing, you know?
Anyway, take this as an excuse to get out of planting the carrots this week.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Go into the desert, and find a very tall tree with branches you could sit in.
No, no, don't sit in them, don't jump ahead now.
Now, take a sup of water... wait, what? You didn't bring any water? That wasn't very bright now, was it?
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You will feel like you've stepped right out of the pages of a magazine this week.
Hopefully it's one of the thicker, softer-paged ones, as can you imagine how cranky and squished you'd feel if it was a thin-paged magazine?
And we're all hoping it's not one of those ones with the perfume inserts... you smell nice as it is.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Still no donuts. I'm waiting.
Remember the cardinal rule of dining in fine company this week: take your hat off at the dinner table. In fact, try and take it off well beforehand.
You'll see what I mean when you're dining with the mayor and his wife, whose family perished in a horrible hat-accident.
Aries March 21 - April 19
All that raging from last week has tired you out.
Try creeping softly, like the dawn this week.
Just don't do it around people's houses, they get nervous and almost always ring the police.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Something smells funny this week.
You smell a rat. A dirty rat.
That's just you, practising your mob attitude, in the hopes that your application comes back this week.
It doesn't. And it took you hours to generate that smell with a special combination of refrigerator mining and leaving frozen foods in a cupboard near the sink.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So, no shirt, no horoscope. Luckily, you've got shoes, and manage to convince most establishments to let you eat there on the basis that their no shirts, no shoes requirements are an AND situation, so the fact that you only transgress one of the rules is okay.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You won't believe it, Wednesday, when you get hit, full-on, right in the face, with a fish.
And not just any fish, but a tuna.
You may wish to wear a mouthguard, because, though they may not look it, a tuna at 15 piles per hour in the face will take out some teeth.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your tea is about to be stolen, get away from the horoscopes and rescue it!
[Horoscopes. Robot telescopes invade! Look out!]
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