Taurus April 20 - May 20
Heya.
So, I suppose you're expecting something this week.
Well, this horoscope will show you that nothing in life gets handed to you on a plate.
(If you keep it quiet, we'll give you a caramel or two, just don't let your astral siblings see.)
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will wear the funkiest hat known to mankind this week.
Whether this is intentional or by accident remains to be seen.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Crab-catching is good for the soul.
It's not quite as good for the crabs you catch, unless you plan on using that king-size aquarium in your living room for something other than holding your coffee table books.
Since the novelty of housing your coffee table books in an aquarium is starting to wear off, and less people ask you why you put them all there, you might want to consider donating the space to the crabs.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Hey, what happened to our pies?
We thought it was pretty clear you were meant to send pies as sacrifice for a good horoscope this week!
It will rain all week. Frogs. (Just in case you were based in Ireland and had expected normal rain all week, anyway.)
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Quick, drop your sushi and get your butt outside, now!
...
Wow, excellent time. 5.6 seconds. A new record!
Cancer June 21 - July 22
When I said last week that you could fiddle with your hair I wasn't referring to the instrument. Generally, they use cat guts, not human hair, for fiddle strings.
It's okay, the damage isn't irreparable. You just need to put down the scissors now, and step away from the sink.
And don't give me that excuse of "my hair just looked a little too ledgy." That doesn't fly with me, you know.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Hey, sure, you take umbrage at the comment about running to road races, but where are the donuts? I swear, you guys just don't take a hint very well. Send. Us. Donuts.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.
And then, when the light's coming back up again in the morning, rage, rage against that, as well.
That way people will see you're being consistent, and not crazy.
Libra September 23 - October 22
In the wild hope that your application to the mob may have arrived early, you dash one early morning to the post office, knocking other pedestrians all over the place as you go.
And you know what? Surprisingly, the post office has not, in fact, delivered your application response early.
You begin to worry that they may have not even decided on your application yet, and that little guy wearing all black that you had knocked into a postbox along the sidewalk looked vaguely mob-like (the organised crime kind, obviously, not the multitude of people type of mob). You wonder if that will count for or against your application.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
So there you are, shirtless and horoscope-less.
Life sucks, sometimes.
Then again, if you're somewhere sunny at the moment, life might be fine enough, really.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Okay, now, how to put this...
Look, it's no big deal, right? Take it easy.
Like, just take a few deep breaths, and it's all okay. No harm done, really. Except maybe a little to the tablecloth.
But other than that it's all fine and dandy. Even with that it's still fine. And mostly dandy. So don't worry yourself over it.
Okay, here it is.
Whew, this is hard.
Okay. You spill some milk this week.
There, I said it.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Giddy-up, cowboy or girl, you're in for one heck of a week of cattle rustlin' and cow-pokin'!
Just one note, before you go off all overzealous and stuff: don't poke the cows too viciously. In the films they usually either use stunt-cows or actually do what's called "poke-acting," in which no one actually gets poked.
We've seen too many of your kind get hurt, not understanding that.
[Horoscopes. It's smackdown time! On other, fight-related news, there's this stupid fr&*^ing idea if I ever saw one.]
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