Taurus April 20 - May 20
You do not owe the world anything, you will decide this week.
The world will differ, as it's accountants have special IRS-like calculators.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You note there was some grammatical funniness going on in that horoscope just above yours. Or maybe you just sensed it.
Well, it's a well-worn tradition here at Sane Magazine to not discriminate against objects that happen to own stuff.
Noticing the vast amount of other, much more inhumane grammatical errors out there on the web, you let this one slide.
You will be a better person for it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
This week you face, fully armed with a shovel.
Perhaps you got the wrong message out of last week's horoscope.
You can just leave the shovel by the door, you don't have to carry it around with you.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
The winds of change are strong this week.
So don't go baking any pies and leaving them on the windowsill.
If you must bake pies, you know our address...
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your ears look funny, have you been playing with your hairstyle again?
Eat sushi and carry a big stick.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So this sucks, huh? There goes the heavens, slipping through your sign yet one more time, and suddenly it's not your sign's time anymore.
With that burden off your shoulders, well, you look pretty gorgeous, really. And you can fiddle with your hair again, because towards the end (like the 21st and 22nd of July) the burden got really heavy and you had to support it a little with both of your hands.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Maybe next time you should run to the road race. You know, as, like, a warm-up.
I'm getting a distinctly donut-y vibe about you again this week...
Aries March 21 - April 19
I don't know, again, what it is with you and monkeys... it almost comes unbidden... like from the stars... oh. That must be it.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You check your postbox somewhere around seven hundred thirty two million times this week. Still nothing.
Six to eight weeks means six to eight weeks.
You come up with an interesting game where you count all the tiles in the pavement on both sides of the street. It's a bigger number than you would have thought it.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
And this week you lose your shirt, and your horoscope. Which will teach you to gamble with your horoscopes.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
I don't want to hear any complaints this week about poor wave selection or anything like that, it's not the stars' fault.
Well, it may be, as they may play a part in the whole grand gravitational scheme, but they swear they didn't mean it. And you were the one making bad wave choices, anyway.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If someone comes up to you asking you to smell their feet this week don't, just don't.
We may have just saved your life.
[Horoscopes. Well, it might be an okay game, anyway. Worth a shot.]
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