Taurus April 20 - May 20
Happy 14th through the 20th of July!
Celebrate by taking your destiny in your own hands... careful, though, you drop it and you're paying the replacement costs.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Take the dogs for a walk.
If you're the kind of person who still calls their feet 'dogs' then you might want to, like, stop doing that.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
No amount of wishing could make a three hundred-pound aggressive gorilla get off your doorstep.
Even if you're supposed to be receiving guests later that afternoon. And most exterminators will look at you funny if you ask them for their help.
This is how most things in life go. Exterminators are always getting weird requests and wishing won't get stuff off your doorstep. Luckily enough, a shovel will do in most cases.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Beware ye who have sown the grapes of wrath, because you're probably all sticky with grape juice now, because, and if you ever have tried you know this, grapes don't take kindly to needle and thread.
Funnily enough, most types of grape will squish and splatter in the same manner, except for the little known grapes of indifference.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
This is uncanny... I have that exact same shirt!
Saturn says it knew that was going to happen.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
So, one year more, huh?
Happy Birthday, if it is, indeed, your birthday this week.
You will be whisked away this week... say sometime Tuesday. Or maybe Monday evening.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
If you get powdered donuts this week (and we can only all hope), don't leave them out on the kitchen counter.
All I'm going to say is this: a whole lot of people now know you might have powdered donuts, and I know if I had that kind of knowledge I'd be over in a flash, looking to steal a few donuts for myself.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Monkey puzzles are trees, not actual puzzles. So telling someone you solved a monkey puzzle and showing them a completed picture of Big Ben might get you odd stares.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your application from the Mob has still not arrived in the post yet.
If you're waiting near the post office on George's Street in Dún Laoghaire you can always pop into the Abrakebabra across the road...
Processing of applications generally takes about six to eight weeks, which, suspiciously, is the same amount of time you had to wait for your secret decoder ring to arrive from the cereal box tops you sent off when you were 8.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Through some fluke of the horoscope-giving machine, you get three oranges in a row! Which means you get a horoscope this week!
Do not take that job in Pittsburgh this week, instead, stay at home and avoid picking up the phone.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Pull up your bootstraps this week.
Just be careful when doing so, and try and keep an eye on things going on around you while you do it, otherwise you might get whacked into by an errant pedestrian who's not looking where they're going. It happens to me all the time...
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Man, do you ever need a grammar check after that horrible display last week. When you have one or more people they are not, in fact, called person.
The reason we're blaming you is because it's not our fault. It's the stars who give us the horoscopes each week, and it's a little known fact that you influence the stars as much as they influence you, so somewhere along the line you must have passed on your bad habits to the constellations.
You'd better watch your grammar this week.
[Horoscopes. We're famous! Of a kind.]
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