Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your week is going to be incredibly childish.
If you have a Barney video it may salvage the latter portions, but the beginning is just lost for all time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You have a package, awaiting collection at the front desk.
If yours is the squishy one, Saturn apologises.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Go on, jump to conclusions this week.
Whereas normally we wouldn't recommend this course of action, this week, due to planetary alignment, it works.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Don't let your dirty dishes pile up this week.
Sure, this advice might stand all weeks, but this one is vitally important.
Remember all those times you asked your kids/partner/dog/whatever, "Would you act like that if the Pope were coming over?"
Well, it's this week. His Holiness apologises for not RSVP'ing.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
What're you up to this week, dude?
Wait, wait, don't tell us...
Hanging out, maybe catch a movie or two, and going to finally scrape the barnacles off your schooner.
You'll encounter a particularly stubborn barnacle this week. Say Wednesday or so.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This super-special surprise announcement may possibly be such a surprise because it's not your birthday until next week.
Now, I might be going and saying something out of line here, but you look damn cute, sitting there on the couch like that.
Now, I don't mean that in a sexually harassing kind of way, but, you know, like in a nice way. Cutey.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Do you believe in ghosts?
If you do, you'll be able to take this week pretty well in stride.
If not, you're going to have to do some serious life-reassessing when you get sucked into a very Scooby-Doo-like adventure. You aren't Daphne or Fred, either, sorry.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Spider Monkeys!!!
What is it with you and monkeys, anyway?
Libra September 23 - October 22
If you're sitting there with your application to the Mob and wondering what to do with it, here's what to do:
- Order a pizza.
- If you have no pizza parlours in your area, consider moving. In the meantime, order either a chinese takeaway or get down and get fish and chips to go.
- Go down to your local post office.
- Drop the completed application in the post.
- Go back home and enjoy your pizza or other food.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Don't you wish, for argument's sake, that you had a horoscope?
For argument's sake, let's say you answered "yes."
"Tough buttons," would be the counter-argument.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your iBook is hosed.
But the good news is that it's all very fixable.
If you don't have an iBook, man, are you living on the wrong planet. Maybe you should consider changing signs.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Man, it's tough. Like, on one hand, I can see you having a good week, lots of fun, beautiful person hanging around you and everything, all that good stuff.
Then again, I see you spending a whole bucket-load of time in used car lots this week.
*shrug*
[Horoscopes. A little sci-fi for our horoscope readers... We always like to support freely available literature... like Cory Doctorow's interesting Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom.]
|
