Taurus April 20 - May 20
Watch what you sneeze at this week.
Something will take offense at being sneezed at directly. I find the most polite thing to do is to sneeze discreetly to the side and with a further discretionary hand hovering on or near the mouth.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Congratulations, you may have just gotten married and are probably somewhere warm and sunny right now, lucky duck.
If you haven't ignore the last two weeks, we've been feeling funny (in the weird sense, obviously).
Eat a ham sandwich to try and ground yourself this week. Or, at the very least try and get a pair of rubber soled shoes to protect against this sort of thing in the future.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone you may know may have... all right, all right, we won't pull that one this week, too.
You have a lot of tuna steak this week. It's sitting in your freezer. Saturn says so.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
You are most likely fat and incapacitated after last week's advice.
Which is the inherent danger in having your cake and eating it, too, that no one ever thinks to point out.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Hey. How's everything? Oh, wait, don't tell us!
Let me see... Jupiter, over one... down two... carry the distortion due to astral winds... you're fine this week.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You look good this week.
No, you don't understand, like, really good.
Wanna, like, come over, or something?
Pisces February 19 - March 20
See, I told you, didn't I?
So much so you had to go and run away, like down to the beaches or something.
What is it with you and running, anyway?
Aries March 21 - April 19
There really isn't anywhere to hide from creeper wines, your friends told you, but, lo and behold, it turns out the laundromat is a pretty good start.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Okay, that was better. But you're still on probation, man, you've just really lost my trust, you know?
A brown cow will be passing through your life this week.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You feel an intense, burning, almost heart-rending agony at the whole missingness of your horoscope, here.
However, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will help ease some of that.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
So anyway, back to normal this week.
Or is it! ha! Surprised you, didn't I?
That wasn't normal, was it?
Well, that's the only thing out the ordinary, though, so no we really are back to normal... or are we?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are going to have a busy week. The oil companies probably love you.
Hopefully in a Platonic sense of the word.
Otherwise, things may be scary this week, as the oil companies just won't take a hint again.
[Horoscopes. Ohhhh, this looks cool...]
|
