Taurus April 20 - May 20
Do not underestimate the power of your own mind.
However, if you're trying to levitate that table without putting your hands on it, well, maybe you might want to start underestimating your mind, after all.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You just might be getting married this weekend.
If this is a surprise, you may not be. However, on the safe side, always make sure you're clean shaven and your makeup isn't a mess.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Someone you know may be getting married this weekend coming up.
If this is a surprise, ehm, well, I didn't want to ruin it, sorry about that, how could I have known they were eloping?
Anyway, lovely weather we're having, isn't it?
Gemini May 21 - June 20
In order to have all your cake and eat it to, I have one suggestion:
When you go around offering people cake (because you're polite, after all), say it like this: "Would anyone like any SPONGE (cake)?" Whisper that last bit. This is especially effective if it's chocolate cake, so then no one puts together the sponge with cake. Walk around with a sponge in one hand while you're asking this, if you want to add to the effect.
Pretty soon you'll be able to retire to the kitchen, just you on your lonesome to have some cake. Ta-da!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
We don't recommend the course of action you're thinking about riiiiiiiiiiiight NOW.
Anything after that is fine. Probably. Unless you're reading this in a different time zone from the one we're in, in which case, add or subtract hours as appropriate.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
You are someone's sunshine, their only sunshine, you make them happy when skies are grey.
How this effects the celestial balance isn't exactly clear, but if it does make your gravitational pull that much stronger, this may be useful in fetching drinks.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Someone you know may be getting married this weekend coming up.
If not, oh well, the stars were wrong again.
But if so, if so, your house is going to be pretty damn crowded come Saturday morning.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Horticulture was never your best subject.
And it still isn't.
You get attacked by a creeper vine this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Look, buddy, I have nothing to say to you after that stunt you pulled last week.
You or the horse you rode in on, which was disruptive, at the least, and destructive, to say more.
Keep it up and you may join Scorpio, there, with no horoscope.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
You have no horoscope. (See, Librans? It's not nice, is it? Is it? That's what I thought.)
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Someone you know may be getting married this weekend coming up.
No, it's probably not you. It isn't, is it?
Because I may have been reading the stars wrong, i got a little dizzy, spinning around trying to keep track of Jupiter this evening.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Someone you know may be getting married this weekend coming up.
You will be very busy this week.
Well, busy-ish. It must be the two hundred and ninety ninth time you've been busy-ish.
Still might have time for a visit to the pool, though.
[Horoscopes. Philosophy in the Matrix - worthwhile, perhaps even more than the film itself...]
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