Taurus April 20 - May 20
Like an ancient magi, you too, will be at your most comfortable wearing a robe.
And sandals. Although, like the magi, you will notice that people shy away from you if you don't take care of proper ventilation for your feet.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You are a poptart this week!
Oh, the joys of having to think of nothing but avoiding being burnt mercilessly in the toaster!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Small slips of paper will assume utmost importance for you this week.
However, if we find out you're going behind the stars' backs with fortune cookies again you're in for it!
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Your fortune this week: Much wisdom comes with much fretting over how best to show off wisdom in public.
You're right, that isn't a great fortune... see, that's your wisdom coming out already... nice one.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You invent a new bit of programming logic, for which you're bound to go down in history... it's called the coolean.
It's like a boolean, where things are either true or false, but it's much more hip about things: they're either Cool or Bogus.
Like, say, talking about your new invention in polite society is Bogus.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Life is a little like a lunchbox.
It's sometimes metal, and that metal dents when you hit it against something, like someone's head... whether by accident or on purpose.
Surprised, you note that there's nothing about lunch boxes being able to tan or anything in there...
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Keep an eye on any pie, meatloaf, cake, chicken, turkey, or any other sort of food you could potentially hide a lizard in this week.
Especially if you're going to eat it.
Because there might be a lizard hidden in it. Which you might not want to eat.
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week and this week only! Big sale on at Aries' place!
You have an overabundance of glitter this week.
Libra September 23 - October 22
You've been caught out, run for your life!
There seem to be a lot of exclamation marks this week, you note as you run.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Wacky. You will keep your mouth shut about that little incident last week.
Or else.
"Or else what," you ask?
Or else we bring back your horoscope for a select few issues to make things a bit painful for you. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Armadillo, incoming!
Watch out for those this week, man. Maybe wear a helmet or something.
Yeah, look, I know it looks ridiculous, but what's more ridiculous, living, or getting an armadillo pounded into your head at 10+mph?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be making an impression on young minds everywhere this week.
Sadly, you haven't mastered broadcast telepathy just yet. Or maybe you have. The stars weren't exactly forthcoming in saying how it was you were going to do it.
But if you think your weblog on termites in supertropical zones is the thing that's going to do it, I'm afraid I have to inform you that that's probably not it.
[Horoscopes. Now, kids, no using this word in polite company. And, for the more squeaky clean, updates preceding Ireland v Albania and Georgia... of which there's very little news in California..]
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