Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will have a snappy week.
Like a turtle.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This is an excellent week for change!
So change! Or turn, turn, turn, if that's all you can do. Like if you're stuck in a barrel or something.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You might want to check around for Leos in a barrel, they were acting weird when I last talked to them.
Other than your random bout of Leo-spotting, your schedule looks pretty free this week. Try and book a facial for Thursday.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Some people will butter your bread this week, other people will slice it.
Make sure you have these people lined up properly, otherwise you're going to wind up with a loaf of bread with butter on the two end bits and no butter on any of the pieces you actually want to eat.
This may be a metaphor for something. Then again, you may be the chief in a bread-buttering assembly plant, and may face these kinds of tribulations every day.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
"Dude, what happened?" you might be saying.
"What?" we might answer.
"Like, where the hell were you?"
Well, you might recall that we take holidays whenever the country our head office happens to reside in at the moment has a holiday. Which was yesterday. Spear a Pig day, or something, based on some of the activities we saw.
"Oh," you might say, in response.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
"Mirror mirror, on the wall, who is the tannest of them all?" you ask, sometime this week.
"Why, there is someone in the land, possibly very close to you, who is more tan than you. Are you going to kill them so you can be the fairest in the land?" it responds.
You'll have to think about that one this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Look, man, you need to knock it off with the running, you're making people look bad and unhealthy and stuff now.
And while you're at it how about randomly mopping strangers' houses? Or even close relatives? Like your brother's place? We've heard it's a tip, and could really do with a good cleaning.
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your socks will be knocked off this week. Literally.
And no fair cheating walking around barefoot or in sandals.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Your week will be one giant ellipsis...
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
Hey dudes of the Scorpio-persuasion (I would say star sign, but you haven't one).
You will be persuaded to congregate around City Hall and protest something this week. (See? Loopholes! We're so good to you guys...non-gender-specific guys, of course...)
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A toasty sandwich and some jam will mean the difference between looking stupid and not looking stupid this week.
And since the two are exact opposites, that's some sandwich and jam, indeed.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Swim swim swim!
Swim like you've never swum before! And hopefully don't collapse because you've over-exerted yourself!
If you live through this week this will be a consecutive one in a long line of them, way to go.
[Horoscopes. Cool, man. I suppose this is why our QI Software guys use Cocoa.]
|
