Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be found next Monday morning at 8.52am, singing "Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue" (just the words, not the actual song) in the middle of Times Square.
With no recollection of what happened during the week. And this horoscope won't help much, either.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You lapsed on your Masonic dues this month, and as a result have been kicked out of the organisation.
If you didn't realise you were in the Masons, they kept it a pretty good secret society then, didn't they?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
When life gives you lemons, you tend to get a little huffy, after all, you asked for a pony.
Gemini May 21 - June 20
Life is like a rosebush, tend it well, water it, sing to it, and it will flourish. Unless you have a horrible black thumb and kill all vegetation you come into contact with, in which case, it gets brown and wilts over in a very depressing fashion.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A small leaf does not leave much of a mark on concrete.
A small elephant doesn't, either, if the concrete's been sitting around for a while and you take it easy with the elephant.
Cancer June 21 - July 22
Bikinis. The stars have all voted, and you need to spend more time in bikinis. One at a time, preferably, but they're good.
You will sit down on an uncomfortable couch at some point this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Hey hey, these aren't lame.
They're challenging your imagination, which we all know is quite underdeveloped in Pisces.
So here we go, let's try one more time: staple.
Aries March 21 - April 19
You are insufferable this week.
Whereas most weeks people can silently put up with your idiosyncrasies, this week they can't.
Libra September 23 - October 22
Pickles and peanuts are actually not too bad a combination this week.
Go figure.
Scorpio October 23 - November 21
NO HOROSCOPE!
Ehm, still. *shrug*
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your sparkly personality will shine through this week. In bursts, because it's sparkly.
And because you've a couple of holes in your trousers.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Stupid freaking wizard.
You will spend much time with the squirrels this week.
This may be a metaphor for something. Like gold or something.
[Horoscopes. Cool. Who would've thought it about denim?]
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